Mumbling Guy on Phone: Can you look up a movie for me?
Me: Sure, what's the name of it?
MGOP: Mublemumblemumblesizeme.
Me: It seems like we have a bad connection [meaning you couldn't put down the hash pipe a half an hour before calling us so you would at least sound mildly not-high], did you say you wanted me to see if we had Super Size me?
MGOP: No, I want mumblemumblemumblemumblesizeme.
Me: Just so I know I have the right movie, you want the documentary with the guy who eats McDonald's for 30 days?
MGOP: No, I want [I shit you not] "Shush her for sizing me."
Me: [Sounding somewhat incredulous] You want a movie called "Shush her for sizing me?"
MGOP: Mumblemumblemumble my friend mumblemumblemumblemumble. Mumblemumblemumble, mumble mumble, lieberry, mumble, mumble. Mumble.
Me: [This motherfucker is ASKING ME FOR PORN!] I don't think that's the type of movie that libraries carry.
MGOP: You better listen to me! [Ok, so now you can speak clearly? It's such an outrage that the library doesn't have porn that it suddenly causes you to sober up and be outraged? I bet you ate Cheetos with maple syrup for breakfast too and called it haute cuisine] I want "Shush her for sizing me." The other guy mumblemumble [here we go again] coulnd't find it. I want it.
Me: We don't have it.
MGOP: Are you listening to me?
Me: Yes, you want the movie "Shush her for sizing me" [at this point, staff is starting to look at me funny as well as are other patrons and I have to wonder if this guy is getting off on asking me to repeat the name of this.] and no library carries it.
MGOP: Mumble. Mumblemumble. Mumble, mumble, mumblemumblemumble, where do I mumblemumble get mumblemumble it?
Me: Perhaps an adult video store?
MGOP: Mumblemumblethanksmumblemumblebye.
Showing posts with label potheads. Show all posts
Showing posts with label potheads. Show all posts
06 May 2010
13 April 2010
Because throwing a chunk of concrete at the library is the answer
A security guard put out three kids (ages 17-19). One of them was a girl and just ran off her nasty, foul mouth at the guard. She is just a disgusting human being.
The other two idiots are like Dumb and Dumber. Their response was to jump on one of those library stools with the wheels on it. But, hey, guess what? Two people can't fit on that shit at the same time.
Meanwhile, the guard was telling the three morons to leave, otherwise, he was going to call the police. This set Dumb and Dumber, who are two rampant potheads who make me jealous of the good shit that they get, paranoid, but the girl kept yapping.
At this point, I entered the picture, just coming back from a meeting. I told the three fuckwads not to come back. This of course, set them off even more, but they left the building.
The guard looked after them, saw that they were gone, I had to meet with someone else (yes, meeting, meeting, meeting and a meeting about a meeting with spurts of yelling at potheads is my life, yes, I went and got a master's degree for that shit), so we let it be.
Not two minutes later, I heard a large BOOM!
At first, I thought that they were shooting at the building, but then I realized that they're too stupid and too high to shoot, but that I wouldn't have put it past the girl. Then, I saw them running. If they were shooting, they would have gone for a window (ask me how I know this, but, you are intellgent readers, I'm sure you can figure it out) and then would have ran. We walked outside and realized that one of the idiots ripped out a chunk of concrete from the sidewalk and then sailed it at the building.
Then, while we were inspecting the damage, the stupid fuckers came back to call us names. Really?!
I bet within a week they're going to try to come back into the branch. I'll remind them that the 'white bitch' will not be letting them back in any time soon. The best part is that when I called the police (two of the officers gave me their personal cell phone numbers), they pulled up, looked at the damage, knew which dumbfucks did it, and said that they'll give "'em a good scare on the streets."
I never thought I would have such a good relationship with the popo.
For now, I'm going to have another glass of wine and imagine that I'm independently wealthy and living in the south of France. And if you see typos here, please blame the excess wine and thank you.
The other two idiots are like Dumb and Dumber. Their response was to jump on one of those library stools with the wheels on it. But, hey, guess what? Two people can't fit on that shit at the same time.
Meanwhile, the guard was telling the three morons to leave, otherwise, he was going to call the police. This set Dumb and Dumber, who are two rampant potheads who make me jealous of the good shit that they get, paranoid, but the girl kept yapping.
At this point, I entered the picture, just coming back from a meeting. I told the three fuckwads not to come back. This of course, set them off even more, but they left the building.
The guard looked after them, saw that they were gone, I had to meet with someone else (yes, meeting, meeting, meeting and a meeting about a meeting with spurts of yelling at potheads is my life, yes, I went and got a master's degree for that shit), so we let it be.
Not two minutes later, I heard a large BOOM!
At first, I thought that they were shooting at the building, but then I realized that they're too stupid and too high to shoot, but that I wouldn't have put it past the girl. Then, I saw them running. If they were shooting, they would have gone for a window (ask me how I know this, but, you are intellgent readers, I'm sure you can figure it out) and then would have ran. We walked outside and realized that one of the idiots ripped out a chunk of concrete from the sidewalk and then sailed it at the building.
Then, while we were inspecting the damage, the stupid fuckers came back to call us names. Really?!
I bet within a week they're going to try to come back into the branch. I'll remind them that the 'white bitch' will not be letting them back in any time soon. The best part is that when I called the police (two of the officers gave me their personal cell phone numbers), they pulled up, looked at the damage, knew which dumbfucks did it, and said that they'll give "'em a good scare on the streets."
I never thought I would have such a good relationship with the popo.
For now, I'm going to have another glass of wine and imagine that I'm independently wealthy and living in the south of France. And if you see typos here, please blame the excess wine and thank you.
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