Featured at your local library: grinding dicks, nudity, masturbators

It all started, not so innocently, one languid, end of summer-early fall day a few weeks ago when I stopped into one of my branches to check up on things. I bet it was my non-sensible library shoes. I bet it was the patent leather that really got these pervs going. What doesn't get these pervs going? All that I know is that I'm thinking of investing in a taser. Maybe I can get one shaped like a Blackberry, since mine seems to be permantly attached to my hand.

I noticed a teenage boy standing at the computer, dancing, screaming to Big Meech. Yes, I'm white. Yes, I know who Big Meech is. Yes, this shocks the kids, because apparently, nerdy white girl librarians in plaid skirts shouldn't know who Big Meech is, but the problem is not with Big Meech, because that's a whole separate blog entry, but that in fact, YOU ARE STANDING UP AND SCREAMING A BIG MEECH SONG (or any song) UP IN THE MOTHERFUCKING LIBRARY.

A library is not that place for that. Shut the hell up.

So, I scrunched up my face, wondering where the fuck security was, thinking that this is something that they should really be handling. But, because I am super fucking librarian in plaid, my philosophy is that if I see it, I handle it. So, I told the boy to sit down.

He looked at me and told me "Baby, chill."

I love that the reaction to me, my age, my status, to this little shitrat making noise is "baby, chill." I swear to God, tasers should be issued in library shcool. I think that I am going to begin a campaign to library schools across America that "Effective Use of a Taser" be taught as a one day workshop for librarians.

Incredulous (but hiding that look from my face), but ready to rip this little shit's snotty grin off his face, "I am not your baby, and you need to sit down or leave."

Shitrat: Awww, honey, c'mon, I'm not hurtin no one. Have some cookies. (He starts laughing.)

Me (seething with rage, cookies? Honey? The problem is that he gets that attitude at home and thinks that he can throw out a few cutesy words to women when they're mad. And mind you, this little shitrat is 16): I am not your honey, babe, whatever, I'm the branch manager and you need to go.

Shitrat: What, why do I need to go? You don't want to hang with me? (At this point, he gets up close to me, grinds HIS FUCKING DICK into my leg and tells me) c'mon, you need me.

Me: Ha! (Literally, laughing, loudly, almost cackling, in hysterics) Please, little BOY, I'm old enough to be your mother if I got started young enough. I don't play with BOYS, I only play with MEN. You need a whole lot more growing to do. Get your little COOKIES (said with the term of innuendo to it) on out of here.

The kid was so embarrassed he did pack up the cookies and leave.

Then, when I went to visit another branch, some NAKED man was running around. The guy was in the bathroom and stripped down. A patron walked in and basically said, "OH HELL NO" or the equivalent of that. I can't say exactly, since I wasn't there. I can just imagine what I would say, and it would be, "OH HELL NO." That patron alerted the security guard. The security guard (who is great, thank fuck) went into the restroom and told the patron to put his clothes on. The patron decided that was clearly not in his course of action for the day and ran out of the branch naked. None of us did anything. We were too shocked. Naked people also seem to be running faster than clothed people. Or, are the clothed people just seeing everything else around them in slow motion except for the naked person running? Either way, would you want to tackle the naked crazy guy? FUCK NO! We just let him run out of the door, at least he was gone that way. That's management smarts right there.

To top it off (no pun intended), a chronic porn freak (well, ok, who doesn't like sex, but looking at porn in a public library and jacking it is gross) decided to hit up three branches and spew love juice everywhere.

The next time you visit the library, I suggest a can of mace, a taser, and some hand sanitizer. Please don't bring me any cookies, it freaks me out.

You better listen to me!

Mumbling Guy on Phone: Can you look up a movie for me?
Me: Sure, what's the name of it?
MGOP: Mublemumblemumblesizeme.
Me: It seems like we have a bad connection [meaning you couldn't put down the hash pipe a half an hour before calling us so you would at least sound mildly not-high], did you say you wanted me to see if we had Super Size me?
MGOP: No, I want mumblemumblemumblemumblesizeme.
Me: Just so I know I have the right movie, you want the documentary with the guy who eats McDonald's for 30 days?
MGOP: No, I want [I shit you not] "Shush her for sizing me."
Me: [Sounding somewhat incredulous] You want a movie called "Shush her for sizing me?"
MGOP: Mumblemumblemumble my friend mumblemumblemumblemumble. Mumblemumblemumble, mumble mumble, lieberry, mumble, mumble. Mumble.
Me: [This motherfucker is ASKING ME FOR PORN!] I don't think that's the type of movie that libraries carry.
MGOP: You better listen to me! [Ok, so now you can speak clearly? It's such an outrage that the library doesn't have porn that it suddenly causes you to sober up and be outraged? I bet you ate Cheetos with maple syrup for breakfast too and called it haute cuisine] I want "Shush her for sizing me." The other guy mumblemumble [here we go again] coulnd't find it. I want it.
Me: We don't have it.
MGOP: Are you listening to me?
Me: Yes, you want the movie "Shush her for sizing me" [at this point, staff is starting to look at me funny as well as are other patrons and I have to wonder if this guy is getting off on asking me to repeat the name of this.] and no library carries it.
MGOP: Mumble. Mumblemumble. Mumble, mumble, mumblemumblemumble, where do I mumblemumble get mumblemumble it?
Me: Perhaps an adult video store?
MGOP: Mumblemumblethanksmumblemumblebye.

I Like Your Form

Old dude: I need reference.
Me: What kind of information are you looking for?
Old dude: Reference.
Me: There's a lot of information in the reference section, what do you need?
Old dude: Reference.
Me: [seriously, did someone hit you on the head before you got here?] I can show you the section, but there's different types of books there, like dictionaries and stuff about people and fixing cars.
Old dude: {muttermuttermutter} South Carolina.
Me: You need information on South Carolina?
Old dude: Yes [gives him 'Cities ranked' and as I'm doing this, Creeper sneaks in and Old Dude totters off, happy.]
Creeper: Are you from South Carolina?
Me: No
Creeper: I see you here a lot [WHY, WHY, WHY why do people say stuff like this? You see me here all the time because I WORK HERE, you moron.] I'm from New York City.
Me: Well, I do work here.
Creeper: [leaning closer to me] Oooo, that's nice. I like your form [ok, really?!?!?!? Who still says shit like that? Is that supposed to be flattering? I swear, if you did this to me at a bar, I'd laugh at you. Get. The. Hell. Away. From. Me.]
Me: Did you need help finding anything?
Creeper: Any time a lovely lady is willing to help me, I'll take it [at this point, I'd like to vomit on you right now].
Me: [like I can say anything to that] Since you don't have a specific request, I'll be at my desk [walks away].
Creeper: Ok, baby [I am not your baby, honey, suga', sweetie, darlin', love muffin, snookieookums, or any other lame ass term of endearment you want to call me]

After I went to my desk, he came up to me and TOUCHED my hand, and told me that I was beautiful. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I told him never to touch me again.

His response was to ask me 'what nationality are you?' Fuck you, that's what I am.

The best (???) part of that was that he called the branch three times later that day to ask for me. He also called numerous other times and hung up (oh, I love you, caller id). When he finally got me on the horn, he asked me out. I lit him up one side and down the other and ended the call with "This is a place of business and I work here. Unless you need to speak with me about the library, then do not call me, otherwise, I will contact the security department and they can relay the message to you. Have a nice day." Click.