Mumbling Guy on Phone: Can you look up a movie for me?
Me: Sure, what's the name of it?
MGOP: Mublemumblemumblesizeme.
Me: It seems like we have a bad connection [meaning you couldn't put down the hash pipe a half an hour before calling us so you would at least sound mildly not-high], did you say you wanted me to see if we had Super Size me?
MGOP: No, I want mumblemumblemumblemumblesizeme.
Me: Just so I know I have the right movie, you want the documentary with the guy who eats McDonald's for 30 days?
MGOP: No, I want [I shit you not] "Shush her for sizing me."
Me: [Sounding somewhat incredulous] You want a movie called "Shush her for sizing me?"
MGOP: Mumblemumblemumble my friend mumblemumblemumblemumble. Mumblemumblemumble, mumble mumble, lieberry, mumble, mumble. Mumble.
Me: [This motherfucker is ASKING ME FOR PORN!] I don't think that's the type of movie that libraries carry.
MGOP: You better listen to me! [Ok, so now you can speak clearly? It's such an outrage that the library doesn't have porn that it suddenly causes you to sober up and be outraged? I bet you ate Cheetos with maple syrup for breakfast too and called it haute cuisine] I want "Shush her for sizing me." The other guy mumblemumble [here we go again] coulnd't find it. I want it.
Me: We don't have it.
MGOP: Are you listening to me?
Me: Yes, you want the movie "Shush her for sizing me" [at this point, staff is starting to look at me funny as well as are other patrons and I have to wonder if this guy is getting off on asking me to repeat the name of this.] and no library carries it.
MGOP: Mumble. Mumblemumble. Mumble, mumble, mumblemumblemumble, where do I mumblemumble get mumblemumble it?
Me: Perhaps an adult video store?
MGOP: Mumblemumblethanksmumblemumblebye.
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You are my current favorite blog to read!!!! Your posts are so great!!
ReplyDeleteHaha. Maybe they should take the penis out of their mouths and talk clearly. Geezus! What the hell. I am so glad I don't have your job. Do they think librarians are the holder of all things? Like you have a magic bag that you can pull out anything a patron wants. Weirdos.
ReplyDeleteCheetos and maple syrup - hahahaha!
ReplyDeleteYou crack me up!
I love it when I look like a complete mental patient to my coworkers for repeating someone's incoherent mumblings over the phone - "What? You want chicken necks test practice books?!"
ReplyDeleteHoly fuckballs. This is way up there with the time I swear a patron was asking me for a prep book for "the tofu test" (she was a mumbly-whispery non-native speaker). I kept thinking, "I know I live in vegan hipster hell, but really they TEST you mofos now?"
ReplyDeleteI remember I had a patron insist that they needed a Java Form. Huh? Java? I thought that they might have been talking about programming. After what seemed like an enternity of asking questions and getting vague answers, I realized that the patron wanted the FAFSA form.
ReplyDeleteMy magic want has been broken lately. The library doesn't carry porn, or put DVDs in order by genre, or have wheelchairs. What is this world coming to?
ReplyDelete