A Morning in the Life of Library Manager

Before I even got to work, disaster struck.

This whole week has been a disaster, with fire, people getting hit by cars, the accident on the way in that sent random debris flying into my lane and my car.

I'm telling you, this week is trying to kill me.

And tomorrow, I will be extra careful. It's the 5th anniversary of my horrible car wreck. I will wear good luck beads and rub the cat's belly before going to work. You Fucky lovers out there better do a dance, a jig, a spell, a something for me. I need it. I feel bad juju air out there. Hide me.

It's train-a-new-fucking-moron week at Starbucks, so the line was out the parking lot. Being the caffeine junkie that I am, I guessed the line to be at least a ten to 15 minute wait and I'm busy, I have shit to manage, work to delegate, shitrats to smack over the head, I don't have that kind of time in the morning. In some ways, I'm lucky to have a drive though Starfucks that I pass by each morning on the way to work so that I don't have to crawl through the mean urban streets begging and hooking for coffee; well, lucky when I get get in and out in less than 15 minutes. Today, not so much. I can only hope for fire so I can hit up a hot fireman and hop in the back of a truck for a coffee date.

Prolouge over.

So, two minutes before the branch opens, this lady is pointing, knocking on the door, and yelling. I walk over to the door, she demands that I open said door to let her in. I try not to laugh at these rude schmucks. I don't have any control over when the doors open, it's all done centrally. Well, I mean, I guess I COULD have let her in, but her face annoyed me, so fuck off, and wait your two minutes like the rest of the world.

And two minutes later, what, oh what was the urgency?

She wanted Microsoft 2007.

I said "Did you want information on using it or the software for your computer?"

MinuteLady: The computer stuff, my friend wants it.

Me: Oh, Microsoft is a cruel mistress and wants her profit. All of the software is copyright material and if little library us was to give that out for free, Bill Gates would wrangle us up and force us into a work camp in Washington state.

My sparkling wit was met with a blank stare. As usual. No one gets it. That's why I have a blog. I'm surrounded by morons with two brain cells that don't get even a drop of humor.

Meanwhile, why I'm trying to explain the difference between software that you know, like, load on to a computer and use versus just a damned book that tells you how to use the stuff, this lady stomps in with a box.

The box is tattered.

The box is old.

The box looks like it has been sitting in a basement for the past decade.

IT'S SHITY BOOK DONATION DAY!

[However, good suck up employee recognized need for coffee and immediately ran out the door to go get me some. Diner coffee. DINER COFFEE. OH, DINER COFFEE!!!!!!!!]

Let me tell you something about people with book donations. It doesn't matter what they donate, big amounts, small amounts, children's books, National Geographic Magazines from 1971, textbooks, old Nora Roberts paperbacks, they all feel righteous about it and they all feel that you should drop to your knees and kiss something.

I was in the middle of routing in new cds (seriously, how many Glee soundtrack CDs does an urban library need? For FUCK'S SAKE) and handling Microsoft lady, when book donation lady decided that I needed to drop everything and kiss her ass, but I didn't have time for that, so I half-heartedly, but politely, asked her to just put the stuff on a table for me.

She looked at me like I asked her to maul a kitten.

"These," she sputtered, "are new books. These contain valuable information for the children of our community."

Oh, really. I'm sure they do. Lady, I have a master's degree. I know what the fuck books contain. Don't lecture me.

I swear, the minute someone starts with lecturing, my brain just shuts off, it goes to Tahiti, it sips on a Mai Tai, and imagaines stabbing you in the eye with the little pointy part of the paper umbrella. Shut. Up. Now.

Do you want to know what the books are? Well, aside from being covered in dead spiders, here is a sampling of titles:

The Treasure Hunt by Bill Cosby
Scream Shop Abracadanger by Someshittyauthorthatdoesn'tevenmatter
SpyKids Adventures, ibid
Hulk, The Junior Novel, ibid

Clearly, valuable information, right?

So, ok, I have like this 45 minute interruption where I go continue to play circ clerk bitch. An old man yelled at me about his fines.

They were at $26.50. "What?!?!?" he croaks, "they were at $11 last year when I paid a dollar to them."

Me: well, you've been checking out things since then and you've accumulated fines, so you'll have to pay something.

Old croaker: Fine, fine, fine. [digs in his pockets, takes out keys, a 50 dollar bill, a one dollar bill, a bag of chips, nail clippers, and a packet of red hots]

Me: Ok, let me go get your movies.

And of course, as it would have it, I can't find one of his movies because god only knows where it it. I return to tell him this and what is he doing?

Eating the chips.

Chomping away.

And what does he tell me?

That wasn't his movie. He didn't want it. He just picked it up and put it on the counter because he was cleaning up.

And then he asked why it takes us so long back there, if we are, to quote, "Getting the newspaper and taking a shit."

You better listen to me!

Mumbling Guy on Phone: Can you look up a movie for me?
Me: Sure, what's the name of it?
MGOP: Mublemumblemumblesizeme.
Me: It seems like we have a bad connection [meaning you couldn't put down the hash pipe a half an hour before calling us so you would at least sound mildly not-high], did you say you wanted me to see if we had Super Size me?
MGOP: No, I want mumblemumblemumblemumblesizeme.
Me: Just so I know I have the right movie, you want the documentary with the guy who eats McDonald's for 30 days?
MGOP: No, I want [I shit you not] "Shush her for sizing me."
Me: [Sounding somewhat incredulous] You want a movie called "Shush her for sizing me?"
MGOP: Mumblemumblemumble my friend mumblemumblemumblemumble. Mumblemumblemumble, mumble mumble, lieberry, mumble, mumble. Mumble.
Me: [This motherfucker is ASKING ME FOR PORN!] I don't think that's the type of movie that libraries carry.
MGOP: You better listen to me! [Ok, so now you can speak clearly? It's such an outrage that the library doesn't have porn that it suddenly causes you to sober up and be outraged? I bet you ate Cheetos with maple syrup for breakfast too and called it haute cuisine] I want "Shush her for sizing me." The other guy mumblemumble [here we go again] coulnd't find it. I want it.
Me: We don't have it.
MGOP: Are you listening to me?
Me: Yes, you want the movie "Shush her for sizing me" [at this point, staff is starting to look at me funny as well as are other patrons and I have to wonder if this guy is getting off on asking me to repeat the name of this.] and no library carries it.
MGOP: Mumble. Mumblemumble. Mumble, mumble, mumblemumblemumble, where do I mumblemumble get mumblemumble it?
Me: Perhaps an adult video store?
MGOP: Mumblemumblethanksmumblemumblebye.

Movies, we got movies for sale, get your movies!

A guy walks into the library (no, it's not the start of some pervy joke) and decides he's going to hand out his flyers in the library.

I'm not sure where I was, but I'm pretty strict about this because people will try to post ANYTHING in the library. By anything, I mean, A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G. I've had people want to post sales ads for cars, wanted posters for missing kids, flyers with "Have you seen my baby daddy" scrawled all over them with a photocopy of his driver's license on it, flyers advertising home sales, car sales, day care services and even "escort services."

The security guard intercepted the guy and told him that he couldn't put the flyers in the library. The guard I have is a smart guy and perceptive and was 100% correct.


When the guard told the guy he couldn't hand these out, the guy got pissy.

"It's my biz-naz! Y'all can get some good deals on movies."

The guard explained to the man that he was soliciting and that isn't allowed. The guard further explained the movies are obviously bootlegs and that's not really legal.


My most favorite part of this is not that these are bootlegs, not that they guy was peddling them in the library, but the price structure. Look carefully!

Diagrams of the Middle Ages

I've been stuck in management quagmire (and something terribly depressing happened today that not even massive amounts of wine can fix) and therefore, haven't had the pleasure of dealing with a lot of crazy patron shit. Boooooo, that means no good stories! Oh ho ho, you are wrong, because, rest assured, I have pulled an oldie but a goodie from the vault. This still remains one of my top ten favorite reference intereactions EVER!!!!!!!! This happened within the first few months of me being a reference librarian, before I entered the wacko world of management. It is a classic.

Teenage Patron: I need diagrams of the Middle Ages.

Me: Ok. Would you like something like, say, some paintings?

TP: No, pictures. Diagrams.

Me: Wait, you mean, photographs?

TP: Yeah.

Me: Well, there aren't photographs. There are drawings and paintings and such. There wasn't really any sort of camera back then.

TP: (sounding exasperated with me) NO! NOT MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVIES. I don't want movies, just pictures.

Me: Back then, there weren't movies and there wasn't really film because it wasn't invented yet.

TP: Ohhhhhh... So, even if I don't want movies of the Middle Ages, you don't have pictures either.

Me: People really didn't start using film to about the 1800s, which is way past the Middle Ages. [Hands the kid an encyclopedia]

TP: [Thumbs through it] So, no movies, no cameras, this is what people did? [Rolls his eyes] I guess this'll work, but it's too bad there aren't pictures or a movie I can watch.

Well, what DID you expect?

Crabby, pissy-looking old lady: [cue cracked, frail, wispy yet bitchy voice] I have a complaint [waives DVD around]
Me: How can I help you with that?
CPLOL: [stands in front of my desk, looking like a shrew just gnawed on her left cheek] This movie. This movie. OH, THIS MOVIE!
Me: Is there something wrong with it?
CPLOL: Well, look at it, just look at it, this...this... is...is...isssssss...issssss... OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: [Looks at movie. The tagline of said movie is "Disgusting. Offensive. Stupid." On the cover, there is a man wielding a machine gun and a dumb looking female in a bikini standing next to a chimp with a midget] I'm sorry you didn't like it, can I help you find something else?
CPLOL: No. And I'll tell you what else, CHILDRRREEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNN [drags this out in bitchy yet frail voice] can see this!
Me: Actually, they can't check it out. A person has to be 18 to check out movies. [If she would have died right there, it would have been my fault because I totally knocked the wind out of her sails, her joi de vivre gone, gone, gone, gone baby]
CPLOL: Oh, well, what if a child sees this?
Me: I mean, I guess that they could watch it with their parents, but that's up to the parent. It is rated R and again, if a person is under 18, they can't check out movies.
CPLOL: Well, I still didn't like it. And I wanted to make sure you knew that I didn't like it!

I'm so glad that you're so important in life that you wanted to take ten minutes out of my day to complain about a movie with a chimp, a midget, a moron and a bimbo on the cover that is also rated R. Why the hell did you check it out in the first place?

Oh yeah, to bitch about something. It's not even a matter of children seeing it, it's a matter of you not liking it.