Yesterday afternoon we had a semi-normal looking old dude that needed help with the computers. Upon leaving the library, he set off the 3M Security gates. In his hands, he had a stack of CDs. I heard a staff person say "Sir, you'll need to check those out if you want to take them out of the library." The guy stepped back and said he needed to use the bathroom, which is located on the other side of the security gates. He gave back the CDs and left.
I immediately thought that was shady.
In the evening, he came back. I was still trying to shake off my depression and my staff were trying to get me to laugh. (Thursday night is my comedy group and it was one person's last day, so they were trying extra hard). Regardless, I told the guard to watch the old dude like a hawk. Being old and having a limp and cane were not going to stop me from having him checked if the gates beeped.
Which they did.
Guard: Sir, please step back.
Limpy: Huh, what?
Guard: Please step back, I'm going to need to check your backpack (which was actually a fanny pack, as if I needed another reason to be annoyed at the guy).
Limpy: Ok, but I don't know why I'm beeping.
Guard: Please take off your coat [and then the usual procedures are followed, which I will spare you in the name of brevity, but this search does produce a concealed CD and jacket, but no case]. Ms. Me, will you please check this man's card to see if this item is checked out to him?
Me: Sir, I will need to see your card.
Limpy: [Hands me card, says nothing, because what can he say since he's BUSTED!!!!!!!]
Me: It looks like this isn't checked out. In fact there is nothing checked out on this card. [Makes horrible, bitchy face and glares at this fucker, because while gang wars and people defecating in our facilities pisses me off, STEALING FROM THE LIBRARY really raises my pissed off level exponentially].
Limpy: I don't know how that got into my pocket.
Me: Really, amazing isn't it? Like I haven't heard that garbage excuse before. So, do you want to tell me where the case is? Is it up here or did you put it in a little hiding place in the library?
Limpy: Uhhhh, huuuuuhhhhhhh, uhhhhhhhhhh, I think I saw the case over there [limps off to a corner of the library, is gone for 5 minutes, and comes back] Uhhhhh, here's the case.
Guard: Sir, these other 7 CDs were also found on your possession.
Limpy: Uhhhh, those are from another library.
Me: Clearly, they are not. Because, our name is on them and you were stealing them too. So, tell me where the cases are [I felt so badass, like, I could take out all of my sadness and anger on this fucker because it was warranted and he was being a dick about the whole thing]?
Limpy: In here. [Points to CD holder near circ desk].
Me: Fine. I want to let you know that you are barred from using this library. If you bothered to take the time to check out these materials, this would have never happened. You really don't need to steal from the library, it's hear for you to use.
So, I've made a note in your account that you were trying to steal CDs from us, and I will also let the security department know about this so that they can determine if they want to prosecute you. You are not welcome back in this branch and if you are seen, we will contact the police, is that clear, sir? [I love going on a bitchy soapbox, and at this point, I had a nice audience to humiliate this fucker].
Limpy: [Puts on his fanny pack and leaves].
Showing posts with label fuckers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fuckers. Show all posts
16 April 2010
Pirate Tax Guy
We have this really irritating guy who is loud, crass, douchey and pretends that he's a tax accountant.
I say pretends because no real tax accountant sets up in libraryland at a public computer and leaves confidential documents containing SSN, addresses, birthdates, income, occupational information, and other stuff that just shouldn't be sitting around for anyone to grab when said "tax accountant" gets up to piss all over the men's floor in the restroom.
Well, despite today being April 16, Mr. Tax Guy is still going in full force. Apparently, he's so important that he doesn't even have to adhere to the IRS schedule that the rest of us poor schumcks scramble do.
Today, Mr. Tax Guy walked into the branch with sunglasses and an eye patch on. Mind you, I would normally not make fun of a non-asshat person with this get-up, but this guy is beggggggggggggggging for it.
Mr. Tax Guy: [loudly proclaiming to all in the branch] I NEED TO USE THE MEETING ROOM (I was on my way back to the staff room to get coffee, so I totally made the stupid clerk deal with it because I just don't fucking care about his needs.)
Clerk: Oh, the Census has it booked for testing.
Mr. Tax Guy: [Removing sunglasses and eyepatch, which, the last time I checked, if the doctor tells you to wear an eyepatch, isn't it for a reason? So, as I see him removing it, I start sharpening an arsenal of pencils to aim at said beady little eye.] No one is in there, I can use it.
Clerk: Ummmmmmm, let me check.
Mr. Tax Guy: Ummmmm, hmmmmmm. [At this point, I wander on out.]
Me: Oh, the Census is using the room and there is a person testing in there.
Mr. Tax Guy: Well, I need it.
Me: Sorry [Ha ha, go ahead and try to plead your case with me Long John Fuckface], but as I've told you before, library programming takes precedence over other activities.
Mr. TG: But, it's just one person in there and I have THIS TO DO! [holds out stack of papers, not realizing that man-whining is possibly the most irritating thing in the world next to child-whining]
Me: [Plasters on sickening sweet smile and then...] You're welcome to sit at one of the tables.
Mr. TG: Yeah, like I don't know that.
Me: [You buttpirate, I hope you get the papercut from hell under your thumbnail and get a staph infection that travels to your voicebox and renders you speechless] And please remember to use your cell phone in the hallway otherwise, the guard will ask you to keep it down or leave.
HA HA HA. I win, you suck. By the way, the bad blood started with him when he complained to the director's office that we were always telling him to be quiet. Of course, we had to listen to you stupid wheeling and dealing with your bullshit clients and other patrons were sick of it.
Ooooooo, his phone just rang. It's only a matter of time before I get to give him the hairy eyeball!
I say pretends because no real tax accountant sets up in libraryland at a public computer and leaves confidential documents containing SSN, addresses, birthdates, income, occupational information, and other stuff that just shouldn't be sitting around for anyone to grab when said "tax accountant" gets up to piss all over the men's floor in the restroom.
Well, despite today being April 16, Mr. Tax Guy is still going in full force. Apparently, he's so important that he doesn't even have to adhere to the IRS schedule that the rest of us poor schumcks scramble do.
Today, Mr. Tax Guy walked into the branch with sunglasses and an eye patch on. Mind you, I would normally not make fun of a non-asshat person with this get-up, but this guy is beggggggggggggggging for it.
Mr. Tax Guy: [loudly proclaiming to all in the branch] I NEED TO USE THE MEETING ROOM (I was on my way back to the staff room to get coffee, so I totally made the stupid clerk deal with it because I just don't fucking care about his needs.)
Clerk: Oh, the Census has it booked for testing.
Mr. Tax Guy: [Removing sunglasses and eyepatch, which, the last time I checked, if the doctor tells you to wear an eyepatch, isn't it for a reason? So, as I see him removing it, I start sharpening an arsenal of pencils to aim at said beady little eye.] No one is in there, I can use it.
Clerk: Ummmmmmm, let me check.
Mr. Tax Guy: Ummmmm, hmmmmmm. [At this point, I wander on out.]
Me: Oh, the Census is using the room and there is a person testing in there.
Mr. Tax Guy: Well, I need it.
Me: Sorry [Ha ha, go ahead and try to plead your case with me Long John Fuckface], but as I've told you before, library programming takes precedence over other activities.
Mr. TG: But, it's just one person in there and I have THIS TO DO! [holds out stack of papers, not realizing that man-whining is possibly the most irritating thing in the world next to child-whining]
Me: [Plasters on sickening sweet smile and then...] You're welcome to sit at one of the tables.
Mr. TG: Yeah, like I don't know that.
Me: [You buttpirate, I hope you get the papercut from hell under your thumbnail and get a staph infection that travels to your voicebox and renders you speechless] And please remember to use your cell phone in the hallway otherwise, the guard will ask you to keep it down or leave.
HA HA HA. I win, you suck. By the way, the bad blood started with him when he complained to the director's office that we were always telling him to be quiet. Of course, we had to listen to you stupid wheeling and dealing with your bullshit clients and other patrons were sick of it.
Ooooooo, his phone just rang. It's only a matter of time before I get to give him the hairy eyeball!
13 April 2010
Because throwing a chunk of concrete at the library is the answer
A security guard put out three kids (ages 17-19). One of them was a girl and just ran off her nasty, foul mouth at the guard. She is just a disgusting human being.
The other two idiots are like Dumb and Dumber. Their response was to jump on one of those library stools with the wheels on it. But, hey, guess what? Two people can't fit on that shit at the same time.
Meanwhile, the guard was telling the three morons to leave, otherwise, he was going to call the police. This set Dumb and Dumber, who are two rampant potheads who make me jealous of the good shit that they get, paranoid, but the girl kept yapping.
At this point, I entered the picture, just coming back from a meeting. I told the three fuckwads not to come back. This of course, set them off even more, but they left the building.
The guard looked after them, saw that they were gone, I had to meet with someone else (yes, meeting, meeting, meeting and a meeting about a meeting with spurts of yelling at potheads is my life, yes, I went and got a master's degree for that shit), so we let it be.
Not two minutes later, I heard a large BOOM!
At first, I thought that they were shooting at the building, but then I realized that they're too stupid and too high to shoot, but that I wouldn't have put it past the girl. Then, I saw them running. If they were shooting, they would have gone for a window (ask me how I know this, but, you are intellgent readers, I'm sure you can figure it out) and then would have ran. We walked outside and realized that one of the idiots ripped out a chunk of concrete from the sidewalk and then sailed it at the building.
Then, while we were inspecting the damage, the stupid fuckers came back to call us names. Really?!
I bet within a week they're going to try to come back into the branch. I'll remind them that the 'white bitch' will not be letting them back in any time soon. The best part is that when I called the police (two of the officers gave me their personal cell phone numbers), they pulled up, looked at the damage, knew which dumbfucks did it, and said that they'll give "'em a good scare on the streets."
I never thought I would have such a good relationship with the popo.
For now, I'm going to have another glass of wine and imagine that I'm independently wealthy and living in the south of France. And if you see typos here, please blame the excess wine and thank you.
The other two idiots are like Dumb and Dumber. Their response was to jump on one of those library stools with the wheels on it. But, hey, guess what? Two people can't fit on that shit at the same time.
Meanwhile, the guard was telling the three morons to leave, otherwise, he was going to call the police. This set Dumb and Dumber, who are two rampant potheads who make me jealous of the good shit that they get, paranoid, but the girl kept yapping.
At this point, I entered the picture, just coming back from a meeting. I told the three fuckwads not to come back. This of course, set them off even more, but they left the building.
The guard looked after them, saw that they were gone, I had to meet with someone else (yes, meeting, meeting, meeting and a meeting about a meeting with spurts of yelling at potheads is my life, yes, I went and got a master's degree for that shit), so we let it be.
Not two minutes later, I heard a large BOOM!
At first, I thought that they were shooting at the building, but then I realized that they're too stupid and too high to shoot, but that I wouldn't have put it past the girl. Then, I saw them running. If they were shooting, they would have gone for a window (ask me how I know this, but, you are intellgent readers, I'm sure you can figure it out) and then would have ran. We walked outside and realized that one of the idiots ripped out a chunk of concrete from the sidewalk and then sailed it at the building.
Then, while we were inspecting the damage, the stupid fuckers came back to call us names. Really?!
I bet within a week they're going to try to come back into the branch. I'll remind them that the 'white bitch' will not be letting them back in any time soon. The best part is that when I called the police (two of the officers gave me their personal cell phone numbers), they pulled up, looked at the damage, knew which dumbfucks did it, and said that they'll give "'em a good scare on the streets."
I never thought I would have such a good relationship with the popo.
For now, I'm going to have another glass of wine and imagine that I'm independently wealthy and living in the south of France. And if you see typos here, please blame the excess wine and thank you.
05 April 2010
Safelink Wireless can die a painful, burning death
Immediately when the library opened, this guy walks up to me and says, "I want a phone." Luckily, I don't even have to ask because I know that's code for Safelink Wireless, which I hate with a burning, searing passion because everybody and their sister thinks that the library hands out phones and that it's the library's responsibility for the upkeep and troubleshooting of these phones.
So, at 9:30 a.m., while I'm trying to get the building open, this motherfucker sits down in my little chair next to my messy little desk and proceeds to chew on his gums (note: I did not say 'chewing gum.' Indeed, I did say 'chew on his gums' as in, he was literally chewing on his toothless gums, which quite possibly is in the the running for the top ten most disgusting things you can do in a library, such as shitting in a chair and having sex in the library bathroom, because I really can't stand the sound of chewing, let alone chewing on one's flappy gums) while he digs around in his wallet for his ID. I started asking for ID because it's just easier than asking people questions and getting a blank stare in response.
When I'm done with the registration, my computer freezes up. The registration doesn't take long at all, but of course, since it's Monday morning and 10 people want 10,000 different things from me, the fucking system has to freeze up.
And then, JOY, I get to do it again for this old fucker, who got pissy with me because I had to ask him the last four of his SSN number all over again. Really? You're getting a free phone out of this, you have no teeth, you smell like garbage, what the fuck else do you have to do today?
Take your damned Obama phone registration confirmation and let me get on with the shit I have to do today.
So, at 9:30 a.m., while I'm trying to get the building open, this motherfucker sits down in my little chair next to my messy little desk and proceeds to chew on his gums (note: I did not say 'chewing gum.' Indeed, I did say 'chew on his gums' as in, he was literally chewing on his toothless gums, which quite possibly is in the the running for the top ten most disgusting things you can do in a library, such as shitting in a chair and having sex in the library bathroom, because I really can't stand the sound of chewing, let alone chewing on one's flappy gums) while he digs around in his wallet for his ID. I started asking for ID because it's just easier than asking people questions and getting a blank stare in response.
When I'm done with the registration, my computer freezes up. The registration doesn't take long at all, but of course, since it's Monday morning and 10 people want 10,000 different things from me, the fucking system has to freeze up.
And then, JOY, I get to do it again for this old fucker, who got pissy with me because I had to ask him the last four of his SSN number all over again. Really? You're getting a free phone out of this, you have no teeth, you smell like garbage, what the fuck else do you have to do today?
Take your damned Obama phone registration confirmation and let me get on with the shit I have to do today.
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