You know, if you checked that out, you wouldn't have to steal it?

Yesterday afternoon we had a semi-normal looking old dude that needed help with the computers. Upon leaving the library, he set off the 3M Security gates. In his hands, he had a stack of CDs. I heard a staff person say "Sir, you'll need to check those out if you want to take them out of the library." The guy stepped back and said he needed to use the bathroom, which is located on the other side of the security gates. He gave back the CDs and left.

I immediately thought that was shady.

In the evening, he came back. I was still trying to shake off my depression and my staff were trying to get me to laugh. (Thursday night is my comedy group and it was one person's last day, so they were trying extra hard). Regardless, I told the guard to watch the old dude like a hawk. Being old and having a limp and cane were not going to stop me from having him checked if the gates beeped.

Which they did.

Guard: Sir, please step back.
Limpy: Huh, what?
Guard: Please step back, I'm going to need to check your backpack (which was actually a fanny pack, as if I needed another reason to be annoyed at the guy).
Limpy: Ok, but I don't know why I'm beeping.
Guard: Please take off your coat [and then the usual procedures are followed, which I will spare you in the name of brevity, but this search does produce a concealed CD and jacket, but no case]. Ms. Me, will you please check this man's card to see if this item is checked out to him?
Me: Sir, I will need to see your card.
Limpy: [Hands me card, says nothing, because what can he say since he's BUSTED!!!!!!!]
Me: It looks like this isn't checked out. In fact there is nothing checked out on this card. [Makes horrible, bitchy face and glares at this fucker, because while gang wars and people defecating in our facilities pisses me off, STEALING FROM THE LIBRARY really raises my pissed off level exponentially].
Limpy: I don't know how that got into my pocket.
Me: Really, amazing isn't it? Like I haven't heard that garbage excuse before. So, do you want to tell me where the case is? Is it up here or did you put it in a little hiding place in the library?
Limpy: Uhhhh, huuuuuhhhhhhh, uhhhhhhhhhh, I think I saw the case over there [limps off to a corner of the library, is gone for 5 minutes, and comes back] Uhhhhh, here's the case.
Guard: Sir, these other 7 CDs were also found on your possession.
Limpy: Uhhhh, those are from another library.
Me: Clearly, they are not. Because, our name is on them and you were stealing them too. So, tell me where the cases are [I felt so badass, like, I could take out all of my sadness and anger on this fucker because it was warranted and he was being a dick about the whole thing]?
Limpy: In here. [Points to CD holder near circ desk].
Me: Fine. I want to let you know that you are barred from using this library. If you bothered to take the time to check out these materials, this would have never happened. You really don't need to steal from the library, it's hear for you to use.
So, I've made a note in your account that you were trying to steal CDs from us, and I will also let the security department know about this so that they can determine if they want to prosecute you. You are not welcome back in this branch and if you are seen, we will contact the police, is that clear, sir? [I love going on a bitchy soapbox, and at this point, I had a nice audience to humiliate this fucker].
Limpy: [Puts on his fanny pack and leaves].

Who would have expected this?

Weird Guy: I need to report my bike stolen.
Me: Ok, what I can do is fill out a security report for you. When did this happen?
WG: About three weeks ago?
Me: Did you tell anyone then or fill out a police report?
WG: No, I'm telling you now.
Me: But, you didn't fill out a police report?
WG: No, uh, see, the bike was mine, but I got it from someone, well, you know how that goes, the guy was pretty shady, and uh, I didn't want to get the police involved.
Me: Uh huh, I see. Ok, well, I get the paperwork from the library filled out and send it to security. What is your name and phone number? [I'm telling him this as I'm typing]. And, was the bike locked.
WG: No, no it wasn't locked. See, I have my new one in the hallway there so I can keep my eyes on it because I know you've got these kids around here that steal. So, you're going to watch the video?
Me: Not me, the security department will and then they will contact you if they see anything. Also, the bike can't stay in the hallway, it's a tripping hazard. I'd recommend you go buy a lock because you can't keep that in here. About what time was the bike stolen?
WG: Ohhh, uhhh, well, the evening. Well, I was here at 3 p.m. So, yeah, around that time?
Me: In the evening or 3 p.m.?
WG: After 3. So, can I get a copy of that?
Me: Well, no, it's an internal document. I recommend that you go to the police station and file a police report and then they'll give you a copy.
WG: So, I can't get a copy of the police report?
Me: This isn't a police report. It's an internal library document.
WG: Let me tell you something about the black community.
Me: [OH GOD, NO, PLEASE DON'T. I've worked in the "black community" for 6 years]
WG: Theft used to be not so common, now, now it's rampant. Black people will steal anything.
Me: [My happy white ass isn't saying A WORD until this jackass finishes}
WG: In the black community, there is no respect. You can't trust people no more.
Me: You know, I've worked in this city for 5 years. And you know what else? It doesn't matter where you are--in suburb x or city y--if you leave something unlocked and sitting out there, it's tempatation for anyone and it's going to get stolen.
WG: Shakes his head and walks away.