Guy On Phone: Do you guys have a copier?
Me [picked up phone on lunch break]: Yes, we do. Copies are ten cents a page.
GOP: Ok, does it make double sided copies?
Me: It does, it's a little tricky, but you can definitely make them, but those will be 20 cents a page.
GOP: Oh, will you be there to help me?
Me: Someone will be here to help you with that.
GOP: That's not what I asked. I asked if YOU would be there to help.
Me: [And you wonder why I get so bitchy] Actually, no, I won't, because I'm on my lunch break [and if you think for one hot second that I'm going to give up hot cheese fries for your ass, boy oh boy, do you have another think coming.
GOP: Oh, my heart is broken.
Me: Have a nice day.
Here's the second story. This one needs some background. This jackass has been in here all day having trouble with his "legal documents" because he "has never used a computer and needs to get this typed and presented downtown." Usually, this is code for "crackpot lawsuit," so I tend not to touch that shit with a 50 foot pole.
Crackpot: [literally, running to my desk and then shouting] MS. S, I gotta get this copied. I don't have no money and I gotta get this copied.
Me: Well, the copier is ten cents a page [fuck you if you think I'm going to give you free copies after you've been a dick all morning to every staff person in here].
Crackpot: No, I've been making copies downtown and you all shut off my computer time at 2 hours and I need copies.
Me: Well, two hours is the daily limit for all locations. If you still have your disk that you bought, I can print out a copy for you.
Crackpot: I DON'T HAVE! I WAS DOWNTOWN AND I DON'T HAVE IT. It's not saved. [Blargablargablargablgarga]
Me: Well, then, you'll need to make copies.
Crackpot: But, I don't have money.
Me: Sorry, but copies are ten cents a page.
Crackpot: Ok, I need 4 copies of this four times.
Me: Well, then, that's $1.60
Crackpot: I have two dollars, then, is that enough?
Me: [Oh, and Easter miracle, you have money!] Yes it is.
Crackpot: [Waiving dollar bills around] I NEED CHANGE!
Me: The copier takes dollars.
Crackpot: [Totters off, grunting, comes back literally like five minutes later this:] YOU'RE COPIER ISN'T WORKING! It's not taking my money. I'm trying to put five dollars in it.
Me: It takes only dollar bills and you can really only put one in there at a time.
Crackpot: UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Fine, I don't get free copies for this?
Me: Well, no.