Lady: Do you have any Christian movies?
Me: Are there certain ones you're looking for?
Lady: Christian movies [glances at our wall o' DVDs].
Me: Well, the DVDs are arranged alphabetically by their title. They aren't separated by western, comedy, or Christian.
Lady: [literally, scrunches up her nose] Well, why?
Me: Because they aren't. [Runs off to go deal with kids fighting in the parking lot].
You wonder why I'm turning into a callous bitch? If this lady knew how many times I get asked this mind-numbing question of stupidness, she'd get irritated too. To give you an idea, our DVDs are shelved so that they take up the entire wall. It works the best for browsing and for space issues. On our busiest days, we can't even keep up with putting them back on the shelf, let alone divide them into genres. Plus, we just don't have the extra space. Plus, it's so time consuming and there just is not enough staff to dedicate to shifting and moving dvds. I mean, they're all on one wall, BROWSE IT! If not, use the card catalog, because, clearly, I have to do damage control with kids fighting. Unless the DVDs start beating the shit out of each other, you're outta luck lady.
06 May 2010
I honor books!
Just a few minutes ago, a woman called to discuss her fines. She began the conversation by telling me that she tried to contact me for the past seven months and has even stopped in to see me. I find this hard to believe since I live in modern times and use voicemail and have a staff that usually informs patrons when I will be back to the building.
As my grandmother used to loving tell me, "You catch more flies with honey than with shit."
Clearly, starting off a conversation by telling me I'm not where I'm supposed to be for the past seven months is bullshit.
Anyway, we'll cut to the chase. When I looked up the account, I saw that her fines were nearly $250.
At this point, I really couldn't get a word in edgewise because she went on a rant and told me: "I honor books. I respect books. I am not a teenager. I am a bussinesswoman. It was not me. I did not lose that number of books. My house was broken in to and everything was stolen. I honor books. Do you see? I love books. I respect books. Those books were taken from me. Because, I wouldn't lose something like that. I respect books. I am not a teenager. I am a businesswoman. I just don't see how something like this can happen. I honor books. I respect books."
From this conversation, I can infer that:
1. You are nuts.
2. You are lying, because, otherwise, why would you need to keep repeating yourself.
3. You think I'm a fool because insulting me is clearly the way to winning bonus points.
4. You think that being a "businesswoman" automatically saves you from paying for library fines and lost materials?
5. You really think I'm a fucking moron, don't you?
When I told her that for her fines to even be considered for removal, she needs to hand me a copy of the police report.
She paused [another sign of guilt, because, if you were telling the truth, you wouldn't have to pause to get your story straight) and said, "Well, what if I get something from the landlord?"
Me: Landlord? Perhaps I'm not understanding your question.
Liarliarpantsonfire: Right, my landlord could write you a letter to tell you what happened (sure, youre "landlord". And my mother is Joan Collins and my father is Bill Clinton. You're laaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnndlooooooooooord. Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure).
Me: No, in order for our library to give this any consideration, we need to see a police report. And since you seem to have so much trouble getting in contact with me, I think that you should take this to the main library.
LLPOF: Oh, oh, well, I guess that'll have to do. But, I want you to understand that I repect books. I honor books.
Me: I undestand your respect for books, but you also need to provide us with a police report.
LLPOF: Oh, well, well... [Hangs up]
I mean, if this was ANY other bill, you would be required to pay it. If you racked up $250 on your Nordstrom card, you'd have to pay it. JCPenney? Pay it. Home Depot? Pay it. Macy's? Pay it. Victoria Secret? Pay it. What makes you think that you can take out $250 worth of materials, forget to return them in 2007, then come up with some bullshit story about a robbery and expect not to be held accountable?
As my grandmother used to loving tell me, "You catch more flies with honey than with shit."
Clearly, starting off a conversation by telling me I'm not where I'm supposed to be for the past seven months is bullshit.
Anyway, we'll cut to the chase. When I looked up the account, I saw that her fines were nearly $250.
At this point, I really couldn't get a word in edgewise because she went on a rant and told me: "I honor books. I respect books. I am not a teenager. I am a bussinesswoman. It was not me. I did not lose that number of books. My house was broken in to and everything was stolen. I honor books. Do you see? I love books. I respect books. Those books were taken from me. Because, I wouldn't lose something like that. I respect books. I am not a teenager. I am a businesswoman. I just don't see how something like this can happen. I honor books. I respect books."
From this conversation, I can infer that:
1. You are nuts.
2. You are lying, because, otherwise, why would you need to keep repeating yourself.
3. You think I'm a fool because insulting me is clearly the way to winning bonus points.
4. You think that being a "businesswoman" automatically saves you from paying for library fines and lost materials?
5. You really think I'm a fucking moron, don't you?
When I told her that for her fines to even be considered for removal, she needs to hand me a copy of the police report.
She paused [another sign of guilt, because, if you were telling the truth, you wouldn't have to pause to get your story straight) and said, "Well, what if I get something from the landlord?"
Me: Landlord? Perhaps I'm not understanding your question.
Liarliarpantsonfire: Right, my landlord could write you a letter to tell you what happened (sure, youre "landlord". And my mother is Joan Collins and my father is Bill Clinton. You're laaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnndlooooooooooord. Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure).
Me: No, in order for our library to give this any consideration, we need to see a police report. And since you seem to have so much trouble getting in contact with me, I think that you should take this to the main library.
LLPOF: Oh, oh, well, I guess that'll have to do. But, I want you to understand that I repect books. I honor books.
Me: I undestand your respect for books, but you also need to provide us with a police report.
LLPOF: Oh, well, well... [Hangs up]
I mean, if this was ANY other bill, you would be required to pay it. If you racked up $250 on your Nordstrom card, you'd have to pay it. JCPenney? Pay it. Home Depot? Pay it. Macy's? Pay it. Victoria Secret? Pay it. What makes you think that you can take out $250 worth of materials, forget to return them in 2007, then come up with some bullshit story about a robbery and expect not to be held accountable?
04 May 2010
This game again?
Guy: Why do I have late fees? [Making angry face, waiving around a piece of paper, which is probably his summary of fines slip.
Me: Because you returned our stuff late.
Guy: No, no I did not. Not me. Never. I never return anything late.
Me: [My God, we went through this shit last fucking week. The fines from 2009 are not magically going to fall off your card unless you PAY THEM. With money, not with lunchmeat, or cows, or magic beans]. Well, it looks like you did in 2009.
Guy: But, I have late fees.
Me: Right, because you returned our stuff late. On March 8, 2009, you had three books due, you returned them on March 23, 2009. You are billed for those. Then, you renewed them on March 23, 2009 and they were due on March 31, 2009. You didn't return them until April 2, 2009. You were billed again.
Guy: You can't remember stuff from that long ago.
Me: Who can? That's why we have computers.
Guy: But I returned it.
Me: Yes, you returned them late. In fact, you did that twice, so you are getting billed on March 23, 2009 and then again on April 2, 2009 when you failed to return them on time.
Guy: How do you know that?
Me: [For fuck's sakes, did someone beat you in the head with your cane before you walked in here or are you just that stupid?] The computer tells me, that's how I know.
Guy: Well, do I have to pay it?
Me: Yes.
Guy: This lieberry is stealing my money! I put those in the book drop.
Me: [Blame it on the book drop. The book drop always gets the blame. The book drop is the scapegoat of the library world. What did the damned book drop ever do to you?!?!?!?] I'm not going to argue over this, but I will tell you that when you put things in the book drop, they can't be renewed. So, you had to bring them into the library and have them renewed by a person. Now, you can either pay your fines, or leave.
Guy: Fine, fine, I'll pay, but this is crack. I returned that. Y'all are TAKING MY MONEY.
Me: Because you returned our stuff late.
Guy: No, no I did not. Not me. Never. I never return anything late.
Me: [My God, we went through this shit last fucking week. The fines from 2009 are not magically going to fall off your card unless you PAY THEM. With money, not with lunchmeat, or cows, or magic beans]. Well, it looks like you did in 2009.
Guy: But, I have late fees.
Me: Right, because you returned our stuff late. On March 8, 2009, you had three books due, you returned them on March 23, 2009. You are billed for those. Then, you renewed them on March 23, 2009 and they were due on March 31, 2009. You didn't return them until April 2, 2009. You were billed again.
Guy: You can't remember stuff from that long ago.
Me: Who can? That's why we have computers.
Guy: But I returned it.
Me: Yes, you returned them late. In fact, you did that twice, so you are getting billed on March 23, 2009 and then again on April 2, 2009 when you failed to return them on time.
Guy: How do you know that?
Me: [For fuck's sakes, did someone beat you in the head with your cane before you walked in here or are you just that stupid?] The computer tells me, that's how I know.
Guy: Well, do I have to pay it?
Me: Yes.
Guy: This lieberry is stealing my money! I put those in the book drop.
Me: [Blame it on the book drop. The book drop always gets the blame. The book drop is the scapegoat of the library world. What did the damned book drop ever do to you?!?!?!?] I'm not going to argue over this, but I will tell you that when you put things in the book drop, they can't be renewed. So, you had to bring them into the library and have them renewed by a person. Now, you can either pay your fines, or leave.
Guy: Fine, fine, I'll pay, but this is crack. I returned that. Y'all are TAKING MY MONEY.
03 May 2010
Movies, we got movies for sale, get your movies!
A guy walks into the library (no, it's not the start of some pervy joke) and decides he's going to hand out his flyers in the library.
I'm not sure where I was, but I'm pretty strict about this because people will try to post ANYTHING in the library. By anything, I mean, A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G. I've had people want to post sales ads for cars, wanted posters for missing kids, flyers with "Have you seen my baby daddy" scrawled all over them with a photocopy of his driver's license on it, flyers advertising home sales, car sales, day care services and even "escort services."
The security guard intercepted the guy and told him that he couldn't put the flyers in the library. The guard I have is a smart guy and perceptive and was 100% correct.
When the guard told the guy he couldn't hand these out, the guy got pissy.
"It's my biz-naz! Y'all can get some good deals on movies."
The guard explained to the man that he was soliciting and that isn't allowed. The guard further explained the movies are obviously bootlegs and that's not really legal.
My most favorite part of this is not that these are bootlegs, not that they guy was peddling them in the library, but the price structure. Look carefully!
I'm not sure where I was, but I'm pretty strict about this because people will try to post ANYTHING in the library. By anything, I mean, A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G. I've had people want to post sales ads for cars, wanted posters for missing kids, flyers with "Have you seen my baby daddy" scrawled all over them with a photocopy of his driver's license on it, flyers advertising home sales, car sales, day care services and even "escort services."
The security guard intercepted the guy and told him that he couldn't put the flyers in the library. The guard I have is a smart guy and perceptive and was 100% correct.
When the guard told the guy he couldn't hand these out, the guy got pissy.
"It's my biz-naz! Y'all can get some good deals on movies."
The guard explained to the man that he was soliciting and that isn't allowed. The guard further explained the movies are obviously bootlegs and that's not really legal.
My most favorite part of this is not that these are bootlegs, not that they guy was peddling them in the library, but the price structure. Look carefully!
A Day in the Life of a Library Manager
7:00 a.m. Phone rings. That shit is going to voicemail because it's 7 a.m. and I haven't had coffee, therefore, I might growl so loud that I bite your head off.
7:05 a.m. Listen to voicemail. "I can't come in today because I have boil on my bottom." FOR THE LOVE OF CREAM CHEESE ON A BAGEL WITH HAZELNUT COFFEE, I DON'T NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE FUCKING BOIL ON YOUR ASS. I don't bother to listen to the rest of the message. I just shut my eyes and lean back on the pillow, hoping to wipe the images of horror from my brain.
7:30 a.m. I hear the husband rustling around. He made coffee. Bless his heart. The problem is that I fall back asleep because the smell of coffee is so delicious and comforting. Of course, I wake up 15 minutes before I need to leave the house, which is JUST enough time for me to pour the coffee into my travel mug, brush my teeth, wash my face, and spray some lovely perfum on since I don't have time to shower. I probably should have gone with the Chanel to keep in line with the whole 'French shower thing,' but usually Chanel elicits responses of "you smelling good for your man?" from the creepiest patrons alive, so I went with the more sublte Marc Jacobs.
9:15 a.m. Roll into work. Patrons are already lined up outside. Actually, some are sitting in their cars in the lot having a "I can play my shitty rap music at 9 a.m. louder than you can play your shitty rap music at 9 a.m." contest. It's swell. No one wins.
9:20 Get into the building and promptly take 2 Advil.
9:30 I find myself standing at the circulation desk looking like a fool because the sub is late. You can imagine the horror.
9:45 MISS LADY THE COMPUTER ISN'T WORKING!
9:46 MISS LADY MISS LADY MISS LADY (Really, I have a name, and, hi, you see me on the phone, with 3 people in line, you can't ask a person on the floor your oh-so-important question about how to log into Myfuckingspace?)
9:47 This nonsense goes on for quite some time. Then, more nonsense happens. Then, I have to do a bunch of other shit. Then, I drink some coffee.
10:09ish Send out an email about a meeting. Forget to include the important detail about time.
10:10 Immediately get several emails telling me that I forgot to include the time, what time is the meeting, where are we meeting (which I included, which proves to me that you immediately started criticizing me when you saw that I forgot to include a time, rather than to continue reading and to ask me what time the meeting would take place), what time is the meeting, because, you forgot to include that.
10:15 Yell at a bunch of kids for playing their music loud. I remind them that the truancy patrol likes to come through and that they better have some really good excuses for being in here and not at home or in school. When they start to tell me their lame excuses, I put my hand up, halt their speaking with the dreaded 'librarian glare over the glasses' and tell them that they better sit down and shut up and think of a better excuse because truancy isn't going to buy the never-heard before story of "I'm home schooled."
10:30-11:30 NON STOP FUCKING QUESTIONS AND BITCHING ABOUT LIBRARY CARD ISSUES, which include the following:
-"I SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGGNNNNNNNNED UP and now I can't get on a computer." First of all, cut the whining. You are a 50 year old man and you look like a gigantic, fat baby when you whine and make that face. I have no sympathy for you because I have a ton of shit to do and you just want to whine. Go re-sign up for the computer for being so dumb.
-"This thing isn't working. Why isn't it working?" Because you can't type your library card number correctly.
-"This isn't printing." You have to hit the print button in order for the printer to work.
-"This computer is dumb." Really, are you sure that it's not you? Usually, the computers tend to do ok by themselves, they start acting up when people touch them.
-"Do you have anyone here that can type this for me?" Does it LOOK like I have anyone here that can type it for you?
-"Those kids are breathing too loud." Oh, for pete's sakes, shut up.
-"If I write resume, can I just send it to everyone where I want to work?" Here's a grammar book. Read that first.
-"My compuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuttttttttterrrrrrr isn't working."
"This shit is crazy. This library is all fucked up." When you can watch your language, maybe I'll give a shit.
And on and on and on and on that went until...
11:30ish Lemon Ricotta lady/throwing paper at me lady walks in and demands that I need to identify the bird in her backyard. I hate birds. They freak me out. I don't want to know what kind of birds are in my backyard, let alone yours. I can tell you that it probably has feathers, flies, likes to eat birdseed or worms, and chirps when the sun comes up. Happy? No, I didn't answer that? Well, here's a fieldguide to birds of North America. Oh, it's a hawk or a falcon? Well, here's a fieldguide to birds of prey of North America. Totter along now. What, the bird tried to eat your neighbor's Yorkie? Oh, then you need the birds of prey, a robin won't try to eat a Yorkie.
12:27 My phone rings with a call about a meeting, but I don't dare try to have a conversation because when my phone rings and I start talking, that's immediately the same time that 3-7 people all want my attention all at the same time. We live in a world where no one is patient, where no one can wait five fucking minutes when they see that a person is busy with something else because everyone is so selfish and insistent that their needs are the most important. Their needs could be so trivial as to involve indentifying the breed of dog that created the pile of crap that they stepped in on the way out the door, it doesn't matter, they want it now.
12:31 The fucking server goes down. Immediately, 7 angry people shift 14 eyeballs toward me because, I BROKE IT! I used my pyschic fucking powers and channeled a surge into the server room from the reference floor. About 5 seconds later, 7 mouths started to ask me "What's wrong?" "Can't I get a computer?" "I better not lose my place in line." "Why can't I log on to this computer?" "This isn't woooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkkkkkking." "I can't type in my numbers." "Can I sign up for a computer?" To all of these questions, I snap "It's broken. I don't know what's wrong with it. All of you are going to just have to be patient and wait and see if I can get it fixed." If I could have slapped all of them and told them to shut the fuck up and let me work on it, I would have. But, I think that administration must frown on me slapping people. I'm not sure how the rest of the world works, but when something is broken and I don't know why, I need at least 30 seconds of non-whining, non-bitching, non-complaining to get my thoughts together so that maybe, maybe, MAYBE I can figure it out. Because, the last time I checked, I'm a librarian, not a superhuman mind reader who can fix shit, listen to patrons whining, wipe your kid's nose, check out your materials, hand your kid coloring sheets, call security for kids smoking pot in the lobby all at the same time.
12:42 Finish with bird lady and whining computer guy, go into my car to eat almonds and try to make a phone call in peace. Almonds are a snack that will give me brain power and I need help today.
1:56 I need some tax papers. Oh fucking hell...
2:39 I hear a ruckus up at ye ol' circulation desk. Apparently, someone has gone off the chain because the clerk wouldn't give him a library card. Ummmmmm, gee, you want a new card with an expired id and you can't give your current address? Sure, would you like an American Express Black card while you're here? In the time it took me to get from my desk to the front of the library, the nutso without an address and the guard started arguing and the guard told him that if he can't calm down, the police will be called. Good god. I walked up there and calmed addressless nutso down and basically said the same thing everyone else said: you need to bring in something with your name on it, within 30 days, showing your address. Another patron standing nearby was amazed at my powers of calmness. Then, of course, he had to tell me how pretty I looked (yeah right, I have dirty hair, but maybe that's your thing) and wanted to know if I was married. In my signature move of awesomeness, I flashed my ring finger and said "8 Happy Years!" and walked off.
I'm going to lunch now. Maybe. I hope. That is, if a shithawk doesn't come in here and shit all over my lunch...
7:05 a.m. Listen to voicemail. "I can't come in today because I have boil on my bottom." FOR THE LOVE OF CREAM CHEESE ON A BAGEL WITH HAZELNUT COFFEE, I DON'T NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE FUCKING BOIL ON YOUR ASS. I don't bother to listen to the rest of the message. I just shut my eyes and lean back on the pillow, hoping to wipe the images of horror from my brain.
7:30 a.m. I hear the husband rustling around. He made coffee. Bless his heart. The problem is that I fall back asleep because the smell of coffee is so delicious and comforting. Of course, I wake up 15 minutes before I need to leave the house, which is JUST enough time for me to pour the coffee into my travel mug, brush my teeth, wash my face, and spray some lovely perfum on since I don't have time to shower. I probably should have gone with the Chanel to keep in line with the whole 'French shower thing,' but usually Chanel elicits responses of "you smelling good for your man?" from the creepiest patrons alive, so I went with the more sublte Marc Jacobs.
9:15 a.m. Roll into work. Patrons are already lined up outside. Actually, some are sitting in their cars in the lot having a "I can play my shitty rap music at 9 a.m. louder than you can play your shitty rap music at 9 a.m." contest. It's swell. No one wins.
9:20 Get into the building and promptly take 2 Advil.
9:30 I find myself standing at the circulation desk looking like a fool because the sub is late. You can imagine the horror.
9:45 MISS LADY THE COMPUTER ISN'T WORKING!
9:46 MISS LADY MISS LADY MISS LADY (Really, I have a name, and, hi, you see me on the phone, with 3 people in line, you can't ask a person on the floor your oh-so-important question about how to log into Myfuckingspace?)
9:47 This nonsense goes on for quite some time. Then, more nonsense happens. Then, I have to do a bunch of other shit. Then, I drink some coffee.
10:09ish Send out an email about a meeting. Forget to include the important detail about time.
10:10 Immediately get several emails telling me that I forgot to include the time, what time is the meeting, where are we meeting (which I included, which proves to me that you immediately started criticizing me when you saw that I forgot to include a time, rather than to continue reading and to ask me what time the meeting would take place), what time is the meeting, because, you forgot to include that.
10:15 Yell at a bunch of kids for playing their music loud. I remind them that the truancy patrol likes to come through and that they better have some really good excuses for being in here and not at home or in school. When they start to tell me their lame excuses, I put my hand up, halt their speaking with the dreaded 'librarian glare over the glasses' and tell them that they better sit down and shut up and think of a better excuse because truancy isn't going to buy the never-heard before story of "I'm home schooled."
10:30-11:30 NON STOP FUCKING QUESTIONS AND BITCHING ABOUT LIBRARY CARD ISSUES, which include the following:
-"I SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGGNNNNNNNNED UP and now I can't get on a computer." First of all, cut the whining. You are a 50 year old man and you look like a gigantic, fat baby when you whine and make that face. I have no sympathy for you because I have a ton of shit to do and you just want to whine. Go re-sign up for the computer for being so dumb.
-"This thing isn't working. Why isn't it working?" Because you can't type your library card number correctly.
-"This isn't printing." You have to hit the print button in order for the printer to work.
-"This computer is dumb." Really, are you sure that it's not you? Usually, the computers tend to do ok by themselves, they start acting up when people touch them.
-"Do you have anyone here that can type this for me?" Does it LOOK like I have anyone here that can type it for you?
-"Those kids are breathing too loud." Oh, for pete's sakes, shut up.
-"If I write resume, can I just send it to everyone where I want to work?" Here's a grammar book. Read that first.
-"My compuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuttttttttterrrrrrr isn't working."
"This shit is crazy. This library is all fucked up." When you can watch your language, maybe I'll give a shit.
And on and on and on and on that went until...
11:30ish Lemon Ricotta lady/throwing paper at me lady walks in and demands that I need to identify the bird in her backyard. I hate birds. They freak me out. I don't want to know what kind of birds are in my backyard, let alone yours. I can tell you that it probably has feathers, flies, likes to eat birdseed or worms, and chirps when the sun comes up. Happy? No, I didn't answer that? Well, here's a fieldguide to birds of North America. Oh, it's a hawk or a falcon? Well, here's a fieldguide to birds of prey of North America. Totter along now. What, the bird tried to eat your neighbor's Yorkie? Oh, then you need the birds of prey, a robin won't try to eat a Yorkie.
12:27 My phone rings with a call about a meeting, but I don't dare try to have a conversation because when my phone rings and I start talking, that's immediately the same time that 3-7 people all want my attention all at the same time. We live in a world where no one is patient, where no one can wait five fucking minutes when they see that a person is busy with something else because everyone is so selfish and insistent that their needs are the most important. Their needs could be so trivial as to involve indentifying the breed of dog that created the pile of crap that they stepped in on the way out the door, it doesn't matter, they want it now.
12:31 The fucking server goes down. Immediately, 7 angry people shift 14 eyeballs toward me because, I BROKE IT! I used my pyschic fucking powers and channeled a surge into the server room from the reference floor. About 5 seconds later, 7 mouths started to ask me "What's wrong?" "Can't I get a computer?" "I better not lose my place in line." "Why can't I log on to this computer?" "This isn't woooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkkkkkking." "I can't type in my numbers." "Can I sign up for a computer?" To all of these questions, I snap "It's broken. I don't know what's wrong with it. All of you are going to just have to be patient and wait and see if I can get it fixed." If I could have slapped all of them and told them to shut the fuck up and let me work on it, I would have. But, I think that administration must frown on me slapping people. I'm not sure how the rest of the world works, but when something is broken and I don't know why, I need at least 30 seconds of non-whining, non-bitching, non-complaining to get my thoughts together so that maybe, maybe, MAYBE I can figure it out. Because, the last time I checked, I'm a librarian, not a superhuman mind reader who can fix shit, listen to patrons whining, wipe your kid's nose, check out your materials, hand your kid coloring sheets, call security for kids smoking pot in the lobby all at the same time.
12:42 Finish with bird lady and whining computer guy, go into my car to eat almonds and try to make a phone call in peace. Almonds are a snack that will give me brain power and I need help today.
1:56 I need some tax papers. Oh fucking hell...
2:39 I hear a ruckus up at ye ol' circulation desk. Apparently, someone has gone off the chain because the clerk wouldn't give him a library card. Ummmmmm, gee, you want a new card with an expired id and you can't give your current address? Sure, would you like an American Express Black card while you're here? In the time it took me to get from my desk to the front of the library, the nutso without an address and the guard started arguing and the guard told him that if he can't calm down, the police will be called. Good god. I walked up there and calmed addressless nutso down and basically said the same thing everyone else said: you need to bring in something with your name on it, within 30 days, showing your address. Another patron standing nearby was amazed at my powers of calmness. Then, of course, he had to tell me how pretty I looked (yeah right, I have dirty hair, but maybe that's your thing) and wanted to know if I was married. In my signature move of awesomeness, I flashed my ring finger and said "8 Happy Years!" and walked off.
I'm going to lunch now. Maybe. I hope. That is, if a shithawk doesn't come in here and shit all over my lunch...
23 April 2010
You know, if you checked that out, you wouldn't have to steal it?
Yesterday afternoon we had a semi-normal looking old dude that needed help with the computers. Upon leaving the library, he set off the 3M Security gates. In his hands, he had a stack of CDs. I heard a staff person say "Sir, you'll need to check those out if you want to take them out of the library." The guy stepped back and said he needed to use the bathroom, which is located on the other side of the security gates. He gave back the CDs and left.
I immediately thought that was shady.
In the evening, he came back. I was still trying to shake off my depression and my staff were trying to get me to laugh. (Thursday night is my comedy group and it was one person's last day, so they were trying extra hard). Regardless, I told the guard to watch the old dude like a hawk. Being old and having a limp and cane were not going to stop me from having him checked if the gates beeped.
Which they did.
Guard: Sir, please step back.
Limpy: Huh, what?
Guard: Please step back, I'm going to need to check your backpack (which was actually a fanny pack, as if I needed another reason to be annoyed at the guy).
Limpy: Ok, but I don't know why I'm beeping.
Guard: Please take off your coat [and then the usual procedures are followed, which I will spare you in the name of brevity, but this search does produce a concealed CD and jacket, but no case]. Ms. Me, will you please check this man's card to see if this item is checked out to him?
Me: Sir, I will need to see your card.
Limpy: [Hands me card, says nothing, because what can he say since he's BUSTED!!!!!!!]
Me: It looks like this isn't checked out. In fact there is nothing checked out on this card. [Makes horrible, bitchy face and glares at this fucker, because while gang wars and people defecating in our facilities pisses me off, STEALING FROM THE LIBRARY really raises my pissed off level exponentially].
Limpy: I don't know how that got into my pocket.
Me: Really, amazing isn't it? Like I haven't heard that garbage excuse before. So, do you want to tell me where the case is? Is it up here or did you put it in a little hiding place in the library?
Limpy: Uhhhh, huuuuuhhhhhhh, uhhhhhhhhhh, I think I saw the case over there [limps off to a corner of the library, is gone for 5 minutes, and comes back] Uhhhhh, here's the case.
Guard: Sir, these other 7 CDs were also found on your possession.
Limpy: Uhhhh, those are from another library.
Me: Clearly, they are not. Because, our name is on them and you were stealing them too. So, tell me where the cases are [I felt so badass, like, I could take out all of my sadness and anger on this fucker because it was warranted and he was being a dick about the whole thing]?
Limpy: In here. [Points to CD holder near circ desk].
Me: Fine. I want to let you know that you are barred from using this library. If you bothered to take the time to check out these materials, this would have never happened. You really don't need to steal from the library, it's hear for you to use.
So, I've made a note in your account that you were trying to steal CDs from us, and I will also let the security department know about this so that they can determine if they want to prosecute you. You are not welcome back in this branch and if you are seen, we will contact the police, is that clear, sir? [I love going on a bitchy soapbox, and at this point, I had a nice audience to humiliate this fucker].
Limpy: [Puts on his fanny pack and leaves].
I immediately thought that was shady.
In the evening, he came back. I was still trying to shake off my depression and my staff were trying to get me to laugh. (Thursday night is my comedy group and it was one person's last day, so they were trying extra hard). Regardless, I told the guard to watch the old dude like a hawk. Being old and having a limp and cane were not going to stop me from having him checked if the gates beeped.
Which they did.
Guard: Sir, please step back.
Limpy: Huh, what?
Guard: Please step back, I'm going to need to check your backpack (which was actually a fanny pack, as if I needed another reason to be annoyed at the guy).
Limpy: Ok, but I don't know why I'm beeping.
Guard: Please take off your coat [and then the usual procedures are followed, which I will spare you in the name of brevity, but this search does produce a concealed CD and jacket, but no case]. Ms. Me, will you please check this man's card to see if this item is checked out to him?
Me: Sir, I will need to see your card.
Limpy: [Hands me card, says nothing, because what can he say since he's BUSTED!!!!!!!]
Me: It looks like this isn't checked out. In fact there is nothing checked out on this card. [Makes horrible, bitchy face and glares at this fucker, because while gang wars and people defecating in our facilities pisses me off, STEALING FROM THE LIBRARY really raises my pissed off level exponentially].
Limpy: I don't know how that got into my pocket.
Me: Really, amazing isn't it? Like I haven't heard that garbage excuse before. So, do you want to tell me where the case is? Is it up here or did you put it in a little hiding place in the library?
Limpy: Uhhhh, huuuuuhhhhhhh, uhhhhhhhhhh, I think I saw the case over there [limps off to a corner of the library, is gone for 5 minutes, and comes back] Uhhhhh, here's the case.
Guard: Sir, these other 7 CDs were also found on your possession.
Limpy: Uhhhh, those are from another library.
Me: Clearly, they are not. Because, our name is on them and you were stealing them too. So, tell me where the cases are [I felt so badass, like, I could take out all of my sadness and anger on this fucker because it was warranted and he was being a dick about the whole thing]?
Limpy: In here. [Points to CD holder near circ desk].
Me: Fine. I want to let you know that you are barred from using this library. If you bothered to take the time to check out these materials, this would have never happened. You really don't need to steal from the library, it's hear for you to use.
So, I've made a note in your account that you were trying to steal CDs from us, and I will also let the security department know about this so that they can determine if they want to prosecute you. You are not welcome back in this branch and if you are seen, we will contact the police, is that clear, sir? [I love going on a bitchy soapbox, and at this point, I had a nice audience to humiliate this fucker].
Limpy: [Puts on his fanny pack and leaves].
22 April 2010
Revenge is sweet, you little bastard
Last week, a mouthy teenager to me to "FUCK OFF," "I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE," and emphatically exclaimed "I DON'T NEED THIS FUCKING LIEEEEEBERRRRRRRRRY!" I told him that the feeling was mutual and that he can leave and stay out.
Today, he decided to come crawling back to me.
I was talking with a co-worker about the death of another co-worker. I'm pretty upset about it and I am really struggling with it. While discussing this, I noticed the security guard bringing Mr. Mouthy over to me.
I could only look at him with absolute scorn and mustered up the words to tell him: "You know what, I can't even listen to the crap apology that you're going to give me today. I'm not even in the mood to hear it because it isn't going to be sincere. Maybe I'll be in the mood to talk to you next week. For today, just get out of my face."
It felt so good and so liberating. The kid is a rotten little seed. His older brother is a gang-banger and has been banned for gang activity, spray painting shit on the building, and stealing. This kid is no different.
When the kid was leaving, he decided to tell the guard that he didn't need the fucking lieberry and blah blah blah blah blah. If you don't need it, then stay the fuck out. Believe me, I won't miss you.
Today, he decided to come crawling back to me.
I was talking with a co-worker about the death of another co-worker. I'm pretty upset about it and I am really struggling with it. While discussing this, I noticed the security guard bringing Mr. Mouthy over to me.
I could only look at him with absolute scorn and mustered up the words to tell him: "You know what, I can't even listen to the crap apology that you're going to give me today. I'm not even in the mood to hear it because it isn't going to be sincere. Maybe I'll be in the mood to talk to you next week. For today, just get out of my face."
It felt so good and so liberating. The kid is a rotten little seed. His older brother is a gang-banger and has been banned for gang activity, spray painting shit on the building, and stealing. This kid is no different.
When the kid was leaving, he decided to tell the guard that he didn't need the fucking lieberry and blah blah blah blah blah. If you don't need it, then stay the fuck out. Believe me, I won't miss you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
