06 May 2010

You better listen to me!

Mumbling Guy on Phone: Can you look up a movie for me?
Me: Sure, what's the name of it?
MGOP: Mublemumblemumblesizeme.
Me: It seems like we have a bad connection [meaning you couldn't put down the hash pipe a half an hour before calling us so you would at least sound mildly not-high], did you say you wanted me to see if we had Super Size me?
MGOP: No, I want mumblemumblemumblemumblesizeme.
Me: Just so I know I have the right movie, you want the documentary with the guy who eats McDonald's for 30 days?
MGOP: No, I want [I shit you not] "Shush her for sizing me."
Me: [Sounding somewhat incredulous] You want a movie called "Shush her for sizing me?"
MGOP: Mumblemumblemumble my friend mumblemumblemumblemumble. Mumblemumblemumble, mumble mumble, lieberry, mumble, mumble. Mumble.
Me: [This motherfucker is ASKING ME FOR PORN!] I don't think that's the type of movie that libraries carry.
MGOP: You better listen to me! [Ok, so now you can speak clearly? It's such an outrage that the library doesn't have porn that it suddenly causes you to sober up and be outraged? I bet you ate Cheetos with maple syrup for breakfast too and called it haute cuisine] I want "Shush her for sizing me." The other guy mumblemumble [here we go again] coulnd't find it. I want it.
Me: We don't have it.
MGOP: Are you listening to me?
Me: Yes, you want the movie "Shush her for sizing me" [at this point, staff is starting to look at me funny as well as are other patrons and I have to wonder if this guy is getting off on asking me to repeat the name of this.] and no library carries it.
MGOP: Mumble. Mumblemumble. Mumble, mumble, mumblemumblemumble, where do I mumblemumble get mumblemumble it?
Me: Perhaps an adult video store?
MGOP: Mumblemumblethanksmumblemumblebye.

7 comments:

  1. You are my current favorite blog to read!!!! Your posts are so great!!

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  2. Haha. Maybe they should take the penis out of their mouths and talk clearly. Geezus! What the hell. I am so glad I don't have your job. Do they think librarians are the holder of all things? Like you have a magic bag that you can pull out anything a patron wants. Weirdos.

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  3. Cheetos and maple syrup - hahahaha!

    You crack me up!

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  4. I love it when I look like a complete mental patient to my coworkers for repeating someone's incoherent mumblings over the phone - "What? You want chicken necks test practice books?!"

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  5. Holy fuckballs. This is way up there with the time I swear a patron was asking me for a prep book for "the tofu test" (she was a mumbly-whispery non-native speaker). I kept thinking, "I know I live in vegan hipster hell, but really they TEST you mofos now?"

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  6. I remember I had a patron insist that they needed a Java Form. Huh? Java? I thought that they might have been talking about programming. After what seemed like an enternity of asking questions and getting vague answers, I realized that the patron wanted the FAFSA form.

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  7. My magic want has been broken lately. The library doesn't carry porn, or put DVDs in order by genre, or have wheelchairs. What is this world coming to?

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