A Day in the Life of Library Manager

9:30-9:50 Realize that there is gang graffiti on the computers in the lab. No custodians are in on Saturdays. So, I spend ten minutes with good ol' elbow grease and realize that the shit isn't coming off. Then, I find some extra-strength 'removes all including your skin' stuff. Hey, it removes the finish off the computers too! Bonus: what does "trap" mean?
9:51-9:53 Put toxic stuff back in custodial closet and decide to wash my hands before my skin peels off. Realize I wasted 20 minutes cleaning gang graffiti from various places and that I need to go to payroll.
10:00 Work on payroll stuff. Pretty standard, pretty boring.
11:05 Boy runs into branch with water balloon. There goes productivity. Good thing I had an hour to be productive. Ask kid what is wrong with picture. Kid has to stop and think. The world is doomed.
11:14 Idiot decides to print out porn. I've had it out with this idiot about viewing "offensive" images in the library. Security guard hands me print-outs of "offensive" images and I shred porn freak's hopes and dreams, tell him not to come back to any branch for the rest of the day. Also tell him that he's being charged for the copies. He leaves, looks ashamed. Good. You should be. Fucking pervert.
11:27 Another boy runs into branch. Proclaims that it is hot outside and that he needs water. Proceedes to run to drinking fountain. Runs out of branch with wet head.
11:52 Trying to finish payroll stuff. Little whiney girls asks me how she can watch tv. I suggest she read. She whines that she wants to watch tv. Did I ever mention that I am not a children's librarian? I never was a children's librarian? I am not amused by kids. I don't think they're cute. They annoy me, especially when they want to watch tv in the library. Go. Read. A. Book. I'm. Doing. Payroll. JESUSHCHRIST.
11:54 Because the kid won't shut the hell up, I get up to try to figure out what she wants. I look at her website and I have no clue what she's talking about. I tell her to click around. In the meantime, another kid starts tugging at my pantleg. Really? Is that necessary? What was so important? She HAD to show me her avatar. Did I mention I'm not a children's librarian? I'm a manager. Who has to do payroll. Not a children's person. Manager. Payroll. Money.
12:41 Guy walks into branch with his shirt totally unbuttoned, wearing swimtrunks, an Asian rice hat, a back pack, and asked us if he wanted cheesecake. How would I know. What the hell?!
1:00 Lunch. Thank you, makers of Lean Pockets.
2:00-3:00 Shift and weed fiction. This was a ruse to hide from irritating children. I still heard them and I had tell them to stop hitting each other, screaming, throwing things, touching each other, etc., etc. So, clearly, that didn't work so well. But, I did get the fiction shifted. LIBRARIAN POWER!
3:15ish Weed and re-sticker books. The excitement.
4:43 I told a boy to put away his juice bottle so it woulnd't spill and make a sticky mess. I hate being sticky. I'm always sticky. I don't want to be sticky at work. I suggest putting it in his pockets. He tells me he can't. I ask why? "Because there are cheeseburgers in there."
4:51 Thug looking boy is listening to and singing along with Justin Bieber. I don't even know what to say to that. Justien Bieber is like a cockroach that has genetically mutated so that bug spray can't kill it. 5:00ish The cheeseburger boy and group get bored. They do something wrong, I'm not sure, the guard tells them to head on out for the day. So, what's the normal response? Run out of the library, screaming, swearing, and then throw apples at the building. Something tells me it wasn't cheeseburgers in that little shit's pockets...

Did I ever mention that I am not a children's librarian? I never was a children's librarian? Yeah.

I still say we can blame this on Justin Bieber.

A Day in the Life of Madame Manager: Saturday Morning Edition

I knew that the ripped up Justin Bieber magazine on my desk should have been a harbinger of the shittiness of this Saturday.
9:15 Roll on into the branch. Surprisingly, there is no one waiting outside. I hope that today might be productive: that I can finish my book order without having to take it home, clean out my desk, and finish branch schedules for managers that can't seem to do them the correct way, even though they're been branch managers for 30 years.
9:23 5 people materialize. I can only imagine that they're anxiously waiting outside to grab a book to read when the doors open.
9:27 6 more people materialize. Great. Let the race for computer time begin. Of course, Coughing Guy is out there, coughing, looking sleezy, wearing a Florida Gators hoodie when it's 70 degrees outside. I guess crack makes you cold.
9:40 A computer goes down. Of course it does. Computers only break on Saturdays because there's no one here to fix them. I can probably give up my dreams of productivity now.
10-10:30 Constantly tell kids to turn down their music. I'm starting to feel like I should be wearing a pleated skirt and a chain on my glasses.
10:33 I'm going to blame this on Justin Bieber.
11:04 The man that comes in here and swears profusely on his cell phone decides today's the day he needs help, so of course, he's as nice as pie to me. I wish I had some pie by the way. Maybe some cherry or key lime. Pie would be great. But, I don't have pie, I just have needy morons. Hope of productivity are completely dashed and I decide I'm going to blog my irritating day.
11:06 Trudge up from the desk to go to the copier. Make one damned copy and then the toner runs out. The toner can never run out when I'm wearing black. It has to run out when I'm wearing pale pink. Take out the near-empty toner cartridge so that no one can futz with the copier.
11:10 Root around in the staff room for toner. So help me if I have to take out the toner and shake it to get the most out of it, because, surely, I will be covered in soot and my shirt will be ruined.
11:12 Find the toner, come back out, see an old man standing at the copier (despite toner and box sitting on top of it), feeding it dimes, and pressing buttons. Because I'm a bitch, I look at him and ask if those copies are working out for him. He looks at me stupidily and I tell him to please take a seat, its out of toner, which is why the cartridge is sitting on the copier and the copier is off. Nevermind the fact that your damned dimes keep falling through the machine...
11:16 Fix the toner, restart the copier, and amazingly, don't get any stupid toner on me.
11:21 Bullshit fine story. This guy has $275 in fines and wants me to waive them so he can get DVDs. He said that his card was lost. Then he was in prison. Then his card was stolen. Then he missplaced it and someone "might have" checked out materials on it. What's your story? I know mine: I'm not forgiving any fines because you're lying to me.
11:33 Someone came up to me, was honest about her $125 in fines, paid $30 to get them down, and didn't give me a bullshit sob story. Amazing. In fact, I was so glad she told the truth that I knocked $5 off her fines. See, I'm not a heartless bitch when people don't try to play me.
12:13 Some guy has been sitting in the same spot for 45 minutes, staring at people using the computers. He's not waiting for them. I'm not sure if he's a creeper, retarded, or just wants to shit in a chair. Or, maybe he's mad because our issue of Tiger Beat with Justin Bieber on the cover has been destroyed.