Fear in the heart of the reference librarian soul

there is nothing that strikes fear into the heart of my reference librarian soul more than these sayings:
-i need to fix my car (because this means possibly an hour long dialog about car parts where the patron assumes that i know what these parts are)
-do you have law books (because the patron assumes that i am a legal expert)
-i need to write a research paper (because the patron wants you to write the paper)
-i need something typed (beacuse, you are, after all, a typist)
-i need to find 15 children's books (because, dammit, i know shit about children's books, but i act like i do since i kinda have to being a branch manager)
-how do i write a resume (because this actually means, 'will you just write my resume for me?')
-how much is this coin/old toy/salt shaker/fake declaration of independence/grammy worth?
-my great grandmother's last name was smith and she lived in georgia. *blank stare* (because, of course, this means that you can instantly go to the google and whip up a family tree!)

i'm sure that there's something i'm forgetting, but these are the ones that came to mind first.

*please note that the above statements are different than the statements that strike fear into the management part of my life.