Me: Are you just returning these? (I always ask JUST for the specific reason which you will soon find out.)
Patron: yes.
Me: {returns shit.}
Patron: Can I have those back?
Me: {internal sigh, because of course, I've already removed the DVDs from the cases for shelving and gotten ready to move on to the next person} Ok, can I see your library card.
Patron: Library card?
Me: Yes, the thing you used to check these out... (I'm such a sarcastic bitch, especially when I have shit to do, especially when I'm stuck at the circ desk)
Patron: {fumbles for card, hands it over, rambles about Madea}
Me: {Checks out materials again}
Patron: I don't want those
Me: But...you just... {sounds incredulous of course, because, WELL, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT!}
Patron: I want to renew them.
Me: Well, I thought you were returning them, so I have to recheck them out to you because I took them off your card. It's the same difference really.
The patron ends up leaving the library, muttering something about "this place." Of course, he comes back 5 minutes later to check out three more DVDs.
In the meantime, I was talking to patron about the Tigers winning streak and how the Indians are tanking. So, we talking some sports for a bit. The conversation was going ok until, well, you know that moment when it's just too much? When the person tells you that they were an alcoholic, gambling addict, and a bunch of other shit you just don't need to know while you're playing Suzy Reference or Circulation Clerk? Yeah, that. Because, randomly, the conversation ends with, "well, maybe it's better than crack." Yeah, wait, what?!
As a nice segway into our crackhead of the day story, in walks one, skinny, baggy shorts, her barely there ass cheeks hanging off whatever ass bones you have, no teeth, holding three boxes of cereal. I didn't eat enough for breakfast (cereal, not the crackheads) so my eyes flew to those. Well, that and the fact that I've known crackheads to whip open food and eat shit in weird places in the library (even without teeth, because, honestly, you can gum that shit). She got the eyebrow. She even got more of it when she said, "Do you have any bags?"
Me: I do.
Crackhead: Can I have about.................10?
Me: No.
Crackhead: This is the library, isn't it?
Me: [Oh, you wanna get saucey, drugged up bitch?] It is! And guess what? Our bags are for our materials. So, put down your cereal and please check out something, otherwise, it's ten cents a bag.
Charging crackheads for shit other than crack: that's crackhead repellent right there.
Showing posts with label crack. Show all posts
Showing posts with label crack. Show all posts
07 June 2011
26 November 2010
Things I Have Found In DVD Cases
Because I can't let November go without a post, you get this sort of retrospective of things I've found in DVD cases over the years. Some are disgusting, some are mundane, some are genuinely "WTF" inducing, which, if you know me, which most of you don't, is pretty typical of most interactions that I have with most people. I have to give props to a friend for recommending this little gem of an idea to me. If you, dear readers of my little piece the internet, have an idea for a post, I'm all ears.
However, no, I am not writing library porn for you. Sorry. I save that for my paying customers.
Just as a little background infotainment, I've worked with the public for going on 6 years now. Before that, I was in an academic library. Granted, I was a student employee and simpleton shitrat, so life was a lot more fun (probably because I was drunk most of the time since I went to a party school). Groundhog Day will be 6 years in public librarianship for me. It's like the movie, except, I think, instead of getting a soul or any of that rainbowshitter gooey bullshit that happened to Bill Murray's character, I grow a little harder each day I have to deal with dumbasses and gross perverts.
So, without further ado, here is the list of THINGS I HAVE FOUND IN DVD CASES (in no particular order and by no means is this comprehensive):
1. Dead roaches: this is pretty common. Sometimes, the DVDs have been missing so long that the roaches are just their exoskeletons
2. Live roaches: this is less common and far more disgusting and makes your little Fucky scream to the high hills like a ridiculous girl. I don't do roaches or bees. Most other bugs, I can handle like a champ.
3. Condoms. In wrappers. I never found a used one, THANK FUCK for that, right? Oh, give it time though, my career is young. I hope. Who knows how this budget crap-o-la will work out.
4. A small bottle of baby oil. No, we don't loan out porn. Then again, I mean, it doesn't take much to get men off, does it? A flash of nipple could be enough to set someone in a tailspin, but dude, you left your baby oil in the DVD case, we know you were jerking it to Reese Witherspoon.
5. Love notes. To baby mamas. To librarians.
6. Social Security checks.
7. Birth certificates.
8. Baby pictures.
9. Child custody papers, court date hearing shit, other IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS WITH IMPORTANT INFORMATION that you really don't want sitting around in a DVD case.
10. A dead tropical fish.
11. Porn: this is really common. I love calling the patron to say, "Hi, you returned your DVD in our case and must have ours at home." Patron: "What DVD of mine do you have?" Me: "Backdoor Sluts 24." Patron: Click.
12. Cat food niblets.
13. Pieces of fast food, specifically, a piece of nugget and some french fries, petrified from the cold and sitting in the book drop overnight.
14. Phone numbers begging the librarian to call for a date.
15. Scissors.
16. Funeral programs.
17. Earrings.
18. Gum. Chewed and still in stick form.
19. Pens. Pencils. Cigarettes. No peanuts or cotton candy.
20. Directions.
21. Various bills.
22. Jump drives.
23. Driver's licenses, state i.d. cards, social security cards.
24. Pills. One will make you smaller, one will make you larger, one will make everything just disappear. Why, we're all mad here.
25. A grill. Like, as in, yo teef.
26. Marijuana.
27. Crack. I remember first seeing a crack rock in a DVD case. I actually thought it was a rotted tooth. I'm such a niave white girl. Well, I was.
That's it. My list. I'm too tired and hungry to come up with more literary musings this afternoon. I'm sure tomorrow's hell of Saturday librarianship might inspire me to greater heights of annoyance. That is, if something doesn't catch on fire and I'm not whisked away by 5 firetrucks full of smokey-scented firemen.
Hrm, note to self: bring lighter to work tomorrow in case boredom sets in. Who can't use more firemen in their lives? Less crack rocks in the DVD cases please, more firemen to damsel-in-distress-librarians who wear plaid skirts and stilettos. Yes, why yes, Saturday, you might not suck so bad now that I have a plan...
However, no, I am not writing library porn for you. Sorry. I save that for my paying customers.
Just as a little background infotainment, I've worked with the public for going on 6 years now. Before that, I was in an academic library. Granted, I was a student employee and simpleton shitrat, so life was a lot more fun (probably because I was drunk most of the time since I went to a party school). Groundhog Day will be 6 years in public librarianship for me. It's like the movie, except, I think, instead of getting a soul or any of that rainbowshitter gooey bullshit that happened to Bill Murray's character, I grow a little harder each day I have to deal with dumbasses and gross perverts.
So, without further ado, here is the list of THINGS I HAVE FOUND IN DVD CASES (in no particular order and by no means is this comprehensive):
1. Dead roaches: this is pretty common. Sometimes, the DVDs have been missing so long that the roaches are just their exoskeletons
2. Live roaches: this is less common and far more disgusting and makes your little Fucky scream to the high hills like a ridiculous girl. I don't do roaches or bees. Most other bugs, I can handle like a champ.
3. Condoms. In wrappers. I never found a used one, THANK FUCK for that, right? Oh, give it time though, my career is young. I hope. Who knows how this budget crap-o-la will work out.
4. A small bottle of baby oil. No, we don't loan out porn. Then again, I mean, it doesn't take much to get men off, does it? A flash of nipple could be enough to set someone in a tailspin, but dude, you left your baby oil in the DVD case, we know you were jerking it to Reese Witherspoon.
5. Love notes. To baby mamas. To librarians.
6. Social Security checks.
7. Birth certificates.
8. Baby pictures.
9. Child custody papers, court date hearing shit, other IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS WITH IMPORTANT INFORMATION that you really don't want sitting around in a DVD case.
10. A dead tropical fish.
11. Porn: this is really common. I love calling the patron to say, "Hi, you returned your DVD in our case and must have ours at home." Patron: "What DVD of mine do you have?" Me: "Backdoor Sluts 24." Patron: Click.
12. Cat food niblets.
13. Pieces of fast food, specifically, a piece of nugget and some french fries, petrified from the cold and sitting in the book drop overnight.
14. Phone numbers begging the librarian to call for a date.
15. Scissors.
16. Funeral programs.
17. Earrings.
18. Gum. Chewed and still in stick form.
19. Pens. Pencils. Cigarettes. No peanuts or cotton candy.
20. Directions.
21. Various bills.
22. Jump drives.
23. Driver's licenses, state i.d. cards, social security cards.
24. Pills. One will make you smaller, one will make you larger, one will make everything just disappear. Why, we're all mad here.
25. A grill. Like, as in, yo teef.
26. Marijuana.
27. Crack. I remember first seeing a crack rock in a DVD case. I actually thought it was a rotted tooth. I'm such a niave white girl. Well, I was.
That's it. My list. I'm too tired and hungry to come up with more literary musings this afternoon. I'm sure tomorrow's hell of Saturday librarianship might inspire me to greater heights of annoyance. That is, if something doesn't catch on fire and I'm not whisked away by 5 firetrucks full of smokey-scented firemen.
Hrm, note to self: bring lighter to work tomorrow in case boredom sets in. Who can't use more firemen in their lives? Less crack rocks in the DVD cases please, more firemen to damsel-in-distress-librarians who wear plaid skirts and stilettos. Yes, why yes, Saturday, you might not suck so bad now that I have a plan...
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