Wordapalooza and the Word Wizard V. Your Saturday Librarian

I just spent 27 minutes with a patron trying to help her find the book she wanted. Too bad that the book doesn't exist (oh my GOD, I thought I got rid of her, she just came back, ack, ack, ack, just go read some Zane, for fuck's sakes). She seemed nice at first. That is, until I couldn't produce the goodies. Then, your favorite FuckItLibrarian, Saturday Edition, became the raging moron of the century.

Let me just tell you that having the right words really helps. A lot. I mean, unless you're foreign, then there's no excuse. If you can't come up with the right words for the book, ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE READING THEM OFF OF A SLIP OF PAPER, then there isn't much I can do to help you.

Word Wizard: The book I want is "The Central Woman."
Me: Ok, let me look it up, but do you have an author, because I bet there's a lot of books with that title.
WW: Why would I have an author? This person didn't give me an author. {Like I'm supposed to know who 'this person' is as Word Wizard waves around her papers. Nut jobs always come into the library with lots of papers. It's the first sign that you should duck and cover, but I was the only one on the floor and was a sitting, well, duck).
Me: Well, I have over 200 hits, so I can give you a print out and you can select which ones I want to order for you if you want to try it that way...
WW: What are they about?
Me: {meanwhile, screaming toddlers are throwing books, an annoyed lady is telling me that I should have more Triple Crown Books in the Branch, a teenage boy just grabbed a girls ass, some girl is still bitching about her headphones not working--god try earbuds) I'm sorry, I really don't have time to read them for you or summarize them, is there anyway you can contact your friend or the person that wrote the letter so you can maybe can an author's name?
WW: No. Try Central Woman. Try that. I think that's the name of it.
Me: Is the name of the book Essential Woman or Central Woman.
WW: {mumbles something I can't even fucking understand}
Me: Well, is this a book of stories? Or, is is non-fiction, like the history of women's sexuality?
Word Wizard: I don't know. She just told me to read it.
Me: Can I maybe see the letter?
Word Wizard: {folds up the letter into a tiny sqaure, exposing just the part that shows the title, there are three titles written down, all scrawled in old lady neat handwriting, like is her grandma telling her to read this? For fuck's sakes.) Yes. Here.
Me: (OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKES, the TITLE of the book is "Sensuous Woman.") Oh, the book you want is Sensuous Woman, not Essential Woman. Is that right? Or, did you want two books? (I enunciate, because, at this point, we're on like 10 minutes of this conversation, the toddlers are screaming louder, I have a headache, I need my snack, the kids are ridiculous, she's ridiculous, Triple Crown Lady is still screaming at me, and now Word Wizard is getting pissy with me.)
Word Wizard: Look up that.
Me: {That's so....clear, you dumb bag of rocks wearing a terrible powder blue cardigan with a glasses chain yelling at me how to be a sensous woman. Try not wearing that shitty outfit and throwing out those hideous monk shoes. I look up "Sensuous Woman.") I see a few things for "Sensuous Woman," but it doesn't seem like it's anything like what you're describing. I think that you should call your friend and maybe try to get an author. I don't want to order the wrong book for you.
WW: I can't call her.
Me: Well, I can try to order some of these for you, and you can see if they're what you want.
WW: I want the one my friend has written down.
Me: I'm really sorry, but I can't find that one, I'm seeing several titles, I can order them, and you can see which ones match up. You'll get in the books that I see that could be it, and you can send back the ones that you don't want. How does that sound?
Word Wizard: [glares at me] Why can't you just find it.
Me: Because you aren't giving me an author's name.
WW: What about Central Woman? CENTRAL?
Me: Ma'am, you're giving me three different words, I think that you need to get the exact title and author and maybe a summary of the book, otherwise, I think that you'll continue to be disappointed. We just need a little more information to get you what you need and then we'll be happy to help you out more.
Word Wizard: Oh, well, I think I'll try Barnes and Nobles.

And this, dear readers, was 27 minutes of my life down the shitter.

Of course, while I was writing this blog entry on a break, she came back to pester the sub here to ask her what she thought. The sub told her the same thing. I'm sure Word Wizard is off to another library to go torment some other poor Saturday Librarian now with her "senuous" baby blue cardigan and monk shoes.