07 June 2011

DVDs, Sports, and a Crackhead

Me: Are you just returning these? (I always ask JUST for the specific reason which you will soon find out.)
Patron: yes.
Me: {returns shit.}
Patron: Can I have those back?
Me: {internal sigh, because of course, I've already removed the DVDs from the cases for shelving and gotten ready to move on to the next person} Ok, can I see your library card.
Patron: Library card?
Me: Yes, the thing you used to check these out... (I'm such a sarcastic bitch, especially when I have shit to do, especially when I'm stuck at the circ desk)
Patron: {fumbles for card, hands it over, rambles about Madea}
Me: {Checks out materials again}
Patron: I don't want those
Me: But...you just... {sounds incredulous of course, because, WELL, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT!}
Patron: I want to renew them.
Me: Well, I thought you were returning them, so I have to recheck them out to you because I took them off your card. It's the same difference really.

The patron ends up leaving the library, muttering something about "this place." Of course, he comes back 5 minutes later to check out three more DVDs.

In the meantime, I was talking to patron about the Tigers winning streak and how the Indians are tanking. So, we talking some sports for a bit. The conversation was going ok until, well, you know that moment when it's just too much? When the person tells you that they were an alcoholic, gambling addict, and a bunch of other shit you just don't need to know while you're playing Suzy Reference or Circulation Clerk? Yeah, that. Because, randomly, the conversation ends with, "well, maybe it's better than crack." Yeah, wait, what?!

As a nice segway into our crackhead of the day story, in walks one, skinny, baggy shorts, her barely there ass cheeks hanging off whatever ass bones you have, no teeth, holding three boxes of cereal. I didn't eat enough for breakfast (cereal, not the crackheads) so my eyes flew to those. Well, that and the fact that I've known crackheads to whip open food and eat shit in weird places in the library (even without teeth, because, honestly, you can gum that shit). She got the eyebrow. She even got more of it when she said, "Do you have any bags?"
Me: I do.
Crackhead: Can I have about.................10?
Me: No.
Crackhead: This is the library, isn't it?
Me: [Oh, you wanna get saucey, drugged up bitch?] It is! And guess what? Our bags are for our materials. So, put down your cereal and please check out something, otherwise, it's ten cents a bag.

Charging crackheads for shit other than crack: that's crackhead repellent right there.


  1. Wah?


    I hate those conversations - I seem to get them a lot, which is surprising, since I would think I give off that "I HATE YOU" vibe pretty clearly.

    I guess people confuse being polite with being interested.

    Hee hee - crackheads.

  2. I have been waiting anxiously for another post and I must say I am not disappointed. If I ever get tempted to be a social worker for the county I read your posts and go..ahh yes that would be why not.

  3. Hahahahaha! crackhead repellant. I will have to remember that for the next time I ride the bus in downtown Houston. Awesome!!

  4. "Charging crackheads for shit other than crack: that's crackhead repellent right there."

    No truer words have been blogged.

  5. Amen! ^^
    And I'm glad you came back with a doosy.. not gonna lie, kinda was going through mega withdrawls :P

  6. Does crackhead repellent also work with meth heads? We seem to have more of those here in my neck of the woods.

  7. 'FUCK' has such a ghastly ring to U.S., indelible dear. Naughty-naughty. You're not THAT whorizontal. You're muuuch more of a wise-ass. Think. Know. Grow-up. Meet me in the Great Beyond, whirly-girly, where ALLA the unrepentant, mortal crakkkheads won't be allowed in the HUGE library, 10,101X bigger than the Guggenheim. You very well could git lost and we'd haveta send some researchers. God blessa youse -Fr. Sarducci, ol SNL

  8. I ask in all respect and humility, but have you ever considered that your blog is racist? After scanning your blog for only five minutes, I have found several racial stereotypes and code words for black people thrown around already: urban issues, crackhead, madea, urban fiction, librarian in "da hood." Either way thanks for giving me inspiration for a talk I'm working on: "Patrons Be Crazy, Right?: Myths that we Tell Ourselves."